Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Still Miss You

A friend, JL, wrote this poem:

Exactly a month ago today you were taken from us.
Dad, I still miss you.
As the days and weeks pass,
I still miss you.
As the pain of grief softens,
I still miss you.
As new memories are made,
I still miss you.
As I try to continue on life,
I still miss you.
Today and everyday,
I still miss you.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Such a beautiful poem for the departed.

Makes me think of Dad and Ma...

I still miss you.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Am wondering how you are.

It's Father's Day today. It's the third Father's Day without you.

As I'm writing this, I'm missing you again - painful and sad.

I still have images of you - you eating your favourite bread, you drinking your milk, me kissing your forehead, me holding your hands, you in the hospital, you being so helpless, you leaving us, you being assaulted by very high fever, you lying there broken - leaving us, you being lifeless, me holding your lifeless hands, me bidding you my final goodbyes... but have I really said my goodbyes?

These images have yet to leave my mind's eyes. Glimpses of them bring tears to my eyes, pain to my heart, sadness to my soul. Why am I hanging on to these?

When will these shadows of you leave my mind? When will these shadows cease to bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart? When will they cease to overcome me with sadness?

Am thinking more of you and Ma these days. Don't know why.

Missing you, missing you, missing you.

But I'm glad to be missing you. Because I love you.

Til we meet again one day, I will live well my life on earth.

Sophie

Captured Dream

Somehow I knew,
You were leaving,
And my heart was breaking.
"Say your goodbye,
Before it's too late,"
The lil voice said.
Dashing into your room,
I hugged you and wept.
You, too, cried.

And I woke up,
Only to realize,
It was all a dream.
My heart broke,
And I wept again.
It was vivid,
Real and sad.
As if I had hugged you,
Wept, and heard you cry.

But the dream -
Was strangely comforting;
Comfortingly strange.

It's Tuesday,
Not any other Tuesday,
One year later,
The emptiness is ebbing,
Slowly, but surely.

Trust that you both -
Happy and alive!
Missing you dearly...
Til we meet again,
At the other side of heaven.

This Monday

This Monday - today - is exactly a week since your passing. I thought I would not be able to go through today.

6 a.m. was when I last fed you.

Between then and 7 a.m., I was trying to cool down your high fever with 4 towels.

Around 7 a.m. I just had to go out of the hospital 'dorm' to escape from the heartache of seeing you in your weakened condition.

From 7.30 - 8.30 a.m. between cooling down your fever, I had the help from two male nurse trainees assist me in giving you a sponge bath and changing your bedsheet and linens. You opened your eyes for a moment - which was the last time.

The maid arrived at 8.

9.10 a.m. - the maid fed you as I observed. Mom arrived awhile later.

You were rested on your left side - clean and dignified. I touched your head, your face, your arms, your hands. But your feet were cool. You showed no responses. You were still breathing but without the chesty sounds from your lungs.

I didn't know then - but that would be the last I saw of you.

9.30 a.m. - reached home and cried myself to sleep.

Between a deep slumber and knowing mom came home and left with Ken, I had a dream which I can't remember now. But I thought I was running through a green forest and there were others dressed in white.

12.35 p.m. - Between the shrill rings of the phone and mom's voice, I was told that the doc requested us to be at the hospital.

Just 5 minutes later, another call came to bring us the news that you were gone.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I wish I had known then - which I know I couldn't have - so that I would sit there, hold your hands, caress your hair - just be by your side until you leave us.

I couldn't really cry then though my heart was hurting so much, but now I can.

Missing you so much!

Untitled Hymn

Dedicated to Dad:

 Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) ~ by Chris Rice

Youtube source unknown

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall, so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!



Yes, Dad, fly to Jesus and live! and sing! and dance!

For Just A Moment

When I reached home and put down my bags on the sofa, I had wanted to dash to the bed where you lie on - to kiss you on your forehead, to take in the familiarity of your scent and to ask you how you're doing.

It was a fleeting thought. It was real.

For just a moment, I forgot that you're not there. For just a moment, I forgot that you're in the hospital from which I had just returned from. For just a moment, I forgot

It is habitual; it is routine.

My happy thought was gone just as quickly as it had come.

For a moment - just a moment - I was happy.

Is It Time?

Is it time to let you go?
Can I not hold on to your hands awhile longer?
And feel the warmth that those hands emanate,
And feel the little responses that you could muster?

Is it time to let you go?
When you seem to show some improvement,
When once in awhile you could open your eyes,
And give me meaningful gazes?

Is it time to let you go?
When I whispered into your ear,
To ask you who I am,
And you called my name?

Is it time to let you go?
When I asked you if you're afraid?
And with all the strength that you could gather
You mumbled, "No."?

Is it time to let you go?
Can I not hold on to your hands awhile longer?
And feel the warmth that your hands emanate,
And feel the little responses that you could muster?

Is it time to let you go?
Because despite all the warmth and responses,
Your gazes and your mumblings,
You look so weak and fragile.

Is it time to let you go?
When you seem to be slowly slipping away?
Slipping through the grasps of my hands,
And my heart and my hope.

Is it time to let you go?
When I really wouldn't want to,
Because I couldn't really let you go,
Just because I would like you to be around awhile longer?

Is it time? Is it time?
This is what I ask my Lord,
Please take care of my earthly father,
This is my cry unto my Heavenly Father.

Happy Father's Day

Sophie: Did you have your showers today?
Dad: Yes.
Sophie: Who helped you to shower?
Dad: Those two. (Meaning my bros.)
Sophie: Do you smell nice?
Dad: Yes.
Sophie: Do you feel good?
Dad: Yes.

Sophie: Pa, do you know what day is it today?

Dad: It's Sunday. (Because he had just showered. On weekdays, Ma will sponge-bath him.)

Sophie: Do you know what date is it today?

Dad: No.

Sophie: It's June 20th. What can you remember about the date?
Dad: No, nothing.
Sophie: It's my birthday. Say 'happy birthday' to me.

Dad: Happy birthday.

Sophie: Do you know that today is also Father's Day?

Dad: No.

Sophie: It is Father's Day today. Happy Father's Day.

It may be just another day for you but you have come a long way since those early days.

In the quietness of your thoughts, I hope and pray that you know we all love you.

my dad

Today is Father's Day. Unlike previous years, my family did not go out for dinner to celebrate the special day because dad is bedridden. So, it is just like any other days, with dad lying on his bed and the rest of us had dinner.

Happy Father's Day

sometimes i wish things could be different
that you had not fallen ill
that you had not forgotten us
that you could still remember
how your life was like once

that you could sit up and not fall
that your left hand would not be painful
that you could hold your cup without spilling
that you could be up and about
doing the things that you love most

that eating could be easier
and drinking not a chore
that the daily routines we take for granted
would be a breeze for you
and not a burden to you

that you could realise you're already home
and not keep asking to go home
that you'd want to be out in the living room
and not hide in that corner of yours
feeling sad and lonely

i wish i could read your mind
i wish i could ease the pain
i wish you could let me know
and not keep me guessing
what you are thinking most of the time

i wish that you would know
in your own little world
when sometimes your eyes would glow
moments as precious as gold
that you would sense and know

how much we love you
how much i love you
happy father's day, dad
we love you so much
i love you, too

Totally

My dad was stricken with stroke last Dec. It has been 3 months since and he is on his slow journey to recovery. i rejoice tremendously at every little steps that he had taken towards recovery, as he regains more of his physical strength each day.

However, even as i want him to heal quickly and am happy of his recovery thus far, there were some close calls and they really shook me up. One minute he was alright and then suddenly, he plummets. It was like a roller-coaster ride and i'm quite uncertain of how to take care of him. i could not anticipate what's coming next, not that i want bad things to happen.

It was during these times that i had to TOTALLY look up to God and TOTALLY trust Him to take care of my dad. My family and i have done the best that we could, humanly, financially, physically, emotionally possible, to take care of him, to nurture him back to health. Yes, humanly possible. Yet, when the unexpected happens, i could only call upon God's name and cry for His mercy and grace.

Last Tuesday, we brought back a wheelchair for dad. We were excited that we could finally place dad on a chair and let him join us at the living room. Usually, we'd push him (on his bed) to the living area. He'd lie there watching TV, or read the newspaper or just doze off.

So that night we made way for his chair, wheeled him in, covered his body with sarong, trying to make him as comfy as possible. He liked it. He watched the TV, talked to us, asked us to wheel him to the balcony to view the neighbourhood.

Then he started yawning and dozing off a few times. He seemed like he had dozed off when he'd wake up and yawn. Then i heard his wheezing and when i approached him, he was actually drooling and he was perspiring profusely. When i lifted his head, he was drifting into unconciousness and his face was a deathly shade of pale. He was cold, really cold and he seemed to be gagging.

The next few moments was a blur. My brother and a friend were there and we called him, shook him. Dad was vomitting and gagging and had difficulty breathing. And for ONE moment, i thought he was gone because he went limp in my arms and there was no breathing.

My heart was gripped with fear - a fear that i've never experienced before. i was crying for him, calling dad and calling God. Calling God to save my dad. I didn't even know what i was praying (it is all a blur to me now) but i remembered calling God, DEMANDING that He heal dad and restore him.

It seemed like forever; it seemed like a fleeting moment. My dad awakened and said that he was alright in English! We normally speak in Hakka. And at that moment i knew dad was alright. i knew God answered my cry for help.

That night i couldn't sleep. i didn't know why dad went unconscious and i kept watch over him, measuring his BP every 2 hours. He turned out okay.

But images from that night are still fresh on my mind. At one point, i remember my heart went weak with fear, with overwhelming sadness, with brokenness, when i thought he was leaving us.

i do not know how long my dad is going to be with us. i know that he, like everyone else, will meet his Maker one day. But there's one thing that i fervently pray for - if and when he leaves, he will go peacefully. That is my prayer. i do not want him to suffer, to struggle like that fateful Tuesday night.

There are so many things that are beyond my control. So many things that i cannot see. And all i could do is just to pray, to pray, to pray... and let God take care of them.

Faithfully,

God's child '.'

Just a Child

i could hear a child babling away, whining, complaining, seeking attention...

He wakes up at 6, lies on his bed quietly until it is time for his feed. He eats his cereal and drinks his milk. Satisfied, he hums to himself. He is good for awhile before he decides to cry out for someone, for anyone. He is agitated. He is uncomfortable.

No, he does not want to be carried.

He just wants someone to scratch his back... it is itchy. When he sees someone approaching, he will quickly turn to his side, as best as his clumsy movements could allow him to, and wait for that soothing touch.

"Ah, that is good. To the centre... uhm, that's it. Now, scratch the left side. No, no, not there, more to the left," he ordered.

"Okay? Do you still feel itchy? Can i stop now?" i asked.

"No, not okay. It's okay only when i say it's okay. Not okay yet. Now to the right. Yes. There. I want the circle. Do the circle," he demanded.

"Is that okay? Have you had enough? Can i stop now?" i asked, after some time.

"Mmmm... okay, okay. No more itch. Okay, okay. Thank you very much," he said, grateful.

He slowly turns to his back and lies comfortably in his bed.

He is happy. He is comfortable. He is satisfied.

He hums to himself again, his lullaby...

And his humming slowly fades...

He is sound asleep, again.

My dad is asleep...

My heart cries.