Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Reconnection

Recent events have led to many small gatherings of friends from teenage years. These are friends who had laughed, cried, argued, shared, loved, had crushes on / with, served, worked together.

Each had been busy with his / her life - career, marriage, raising young children, taking care of aged parents.

For a span of a few years, the friendship and connection seemed to have cooled down and became customary.

But since June, somehow we managed to gather together and caught up with each others' life. Every one seems to be at a stage in life where we come to realize the comfort and joy of reconnecting and supporting each other.

I have been greatly encouraged by the turn of event. Our teenage friendship, though interspersed with the busyness of life and age, seems to serve as a strong foundation until today.

It is easier to reconnect and be transparent once again. The facade of success tears away as some of us shared our deepest thoughts with each other. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence.

On recollection, I am grateful that despite the challenges that I faced these past 20 years, I still seem to be holding on quite well. For that, I'm thankful for my heavenly Father who has guided me in my seasons of sorrow and joy.

Thankful that these friends remain the most sincere relationships that I've ever forged and delighted that we are starting to make it a point to gather together for meals and have a good laugh together.

~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest, thank You so much for Your kind providence. When I am at the brink of losing faith in genuine and sincere friendship, You have brought back my most treasured friends. It has greatly encouraged me and lifted my wavering spirit. I can't thank You enough!

In the Shadow of the Cross

"Let all earthly crowns,
Fade in the shadow of the cross."

This song came to me again these past few days.
The struggle is getting increasingly hard to fight.
The battle of the mind, the spirit, the flesh and the heart is emptying me out.

There are just too many earthly crowns to lay down.
Too many to discard.
Too difficult and painful to let go.
But it's to be done.
But it's too hard!

It's time, it's time to move on.
It's time to be vulnerable again - vulnerable to Him.
To yield and to let go.
But the cocoon is safe, comfortable and warm.
Snugly warm, warmly snug.
Too enticing.

Abba Father! Please enable me for I am weak and fragile.
I fear that I would break into smithereens if I were to be wounded again.
It's just too hard to wear my heart on my sleeves again.
But how can I love without surrendering and giving my heart?
Dear God, dear God.


http://youtube.com/watch/?v=0b3SdiwBqCs 

Move on

It's time to move on
I know
But it's too hard
too empty
too lonely
too treacherous
too afraid

But I can't remain
where I am indefinitely
It's time, it's time
Look forward
Take a step
And walk forward
No turning back
No running back

But it's all right
I guess
Once in a while
To turn my head to see
How far I've left the past behind?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest,
Please hold me in Your able hands as I move on. I know I can only rely on You - only You alone.

Untitled Hymn

Dedicated to Ma:

 Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) ~ by Chris Rice

Youtube source unknown

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall, so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!



Ma,

You've flown to Jesus -
So sudden and unexpected
I'm sure you are happy -
Cause Dad has been waiting for you
Yes, you two!
Live! and sing! and dance!

Untitled Hymn

Dedicated to Dad:

 Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) ~ by Chris Rice

Youtube source unknown

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall, so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!



Yes, Dad, fly to Jesus and live! and sing! and dance!

Is It Time?

Is it time to let you go?
Can I not hold on to your hands awhile longer?
And feel the warmth that those hands emanate,
And feel the little responses that you could muster?

Is it time to let you go?
When you seem to show some improvement,
When once in awhile you could open your eyes,
And give me meaningful gazes?

Is it time to let you go?
When I whispered into your ear,
To ask you who I am,
And you called my name?

Is it time to let you go?
When I asked you if you're afraid?
And with all the strength that you could gather
You mumbled, "No."?

Is it time to let you go?
Can I not hold on to your hands awhile longer?
And feel the warmth that your hands emanate,
And feel the little responses that you could muster?

Is it time to let you go?
Because despite all the warmth and responses,
Your gazes and your mumblings,
You look so weak and fragile.

Is it time to let you go?
When you seem to be slowly slipping away?
Slipping through the grasps of my hands,
And my heart and my hope.

Is it time to let you go?
When I really wouldn't want to,
Because I couldn't really let you go,
Just because I would like you to be around awhile longer?

Is it time? Is it time?
This is what I ask my Lord,
Please take care of my earthly father,
This is my cry unto my Heavenly Father.

Trust

Photo credit

When I've little faith, when things seem impossible, when my heart goes awry, when I'm desperate, when I'm overcome with uncertainties,

 

I am reminding myself of this verse again.

Proposal Defence

The proposal defence for my dissertation is over and done. I'm happy and grateful that the panel gave me the green light to proceed.

 Photo credit

I must admit that the week leading up to my defence was not that pleasant as I was worried over what the panel would have to say about my work.

What if I've used the wrong method?

What if the theoretical framework employed does not make sense?

What if the literature review is not extensive or current enough?

What if I couldn't answer their questions?

What if my proposal needs major amendments and changes?

The knowledge that the first reader who never fails to shake-up and attack and tear apart the work of his candidates during presentation did not help my increasing worry. I guess I just do not want to appear like a fool and be demotivated before the panel.

I don't know how and why but when I arrived at the venue to wait for my turn, I found out that my group had a totally different panel. The second candidate was already in the room for more than 40 minutes and it did make me wonder if they were very dissatisfied with her work to question her for so long.

After one hour, she came out and informed those waiting nervously that the profs were very kind. They had merely given her many suggestions on how to improve her work and it took one whole hour. At that moment, all my fears dissipated!   

What can I say except that God is just so very good to me. One of my prayer requests was that the well-known highly critical prof won't be nasty and what did God do? He had the whole panel changed and I entered the room before two most kind, gentle and encouraging profs.

And the best part is, they were very satisfied with my work and only suggested a very minor change!

The same could not be said for some of my friends under different panels. Though they could proceed with their research, some had to modify and amend nearly 60% of their work! And an unfortunate course mate had to re-submit his work within one week due to a minor oversight on his part which was caught by a very fastidious prof. It was that gruesome!

I'm not saying that I had it easy or my work is flawless but I just disagree with how proposal defense is run here, well at least in my uni. It is supposed to be a sharing and feedback session to help students improve their work. Not a 'tearing' / 'hentam' (bashing) session which seems quite the norm here. Is it any wonder that post-grads do not look forward to their defence?  

**********

  

Thank You so much, DD! You know my fears and erased them for me and I'm so very grateful!

Blessings for Obedience

Photo credit

Deutronomy 28: 1 - 14

Blessings for Obedience

1 If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

7 The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

8 The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

9 The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in obedience to him. 10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. 11 The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you.

12 The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. 13 The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. 14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

**********

The above is one of my favourite passages in the Bible. There was a time when I would recite this passage daily and religiously, claiming its promises of blessings before starting my day.

This passage does not end at verse 14 though. Just as there are blessings for obedience, there are curses for disobedience which I tend to forget or ignore.

I don't wish to end up receiving the fruits of disobedience. I am not perfect and I fail many times but I wish to be more obedient this year and for many years to come.

Your Love Is Everything

A good cover of the song, Your Love is Everything from Jesus Culture.



(Youtube upload by Jayesslee, Dec16, 2010)


Lyrics:

When I am dry and thirsty Lord,
And I'm crying out for more,
I know I can trust in your love.
In the darkness in the night
When I'm starving for the light
I know I can trust in Your love

You keep no record of my sin
and you don't remember all my shame

Your love heals every disease
Your love fulfills my every need
Your love is everything to me
Your love is everything

I will not forget
I won't forget your promises
I will not forget
I won't forget your love

I will not forget
I won't forget nothing is impossible
I will not forget
I won't forget your love

Lyrics source here.

Officially On Leave...

Today, another surprise awaits me in the mailbox - my official letter for my study-leave!

The Official Letter
Jan 8: Home

I was deeply surprised because I had just received the letter of notification and sent the reply slip by courier the previous day. It couldn't be THAT fast!

I had expected that it would take another two weeks to a month's time for BTP to process the letter and mail it to me. It was indeed pleasantly unexpected!

Upon scrutiny, I saw that this letter was dated 14 Dec 2009 while the notification letter which I had received the day before was dated 15 Dec! Now, how could this be?

It is another mind-boggling thing to for BTP to issue the study-leave letter before they had issued the notification letter. Furthermore, the letter of notification which was issued later arrived first! Isn't that strange?

But I'm not complaining because I reckon that they had to clear my case before last year ended and not carry forward to this year. How do I know this?

Well, the dates on both letters were written rather than printed - it felt like being back-dated and also because the dates are not in chronological order.

If this is a mistake, then I'm happy that I do not have to wait another month for them to settle it.

With this letter in hand, I hope everything is now cleared and the funds will be released.

Thank You, DD. You've done it again!

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated (Wikipedia).

This was what happened to me when I had to fax a letter to KL. Getting the letter quite late from the uni admin on Tuesday evening, I made my way to the library. There was no fax service at the uni library nor the Gaya state library, which I went to the next day on a stormy Wed morning. Thinking that I had to resort to a courier service company, I drove to the nearest stationery shop to buy an envelope and to have some articles photostatted nearby.

Lo and behold, what did I see on the wall of the tiny photostatting shop?

FAX SERVICE, written in bold.

My day seemed to go right after that.

Thank you, DD!

First Love

fear creeps in
waves upon waves
drowning me
a burden insurmountable
sending my soul into a frenzy
unable to breathe
my thoughts run wild
my thoughts uncontained
my thoughts uncaptured
pessimistic
fearful of the unknown
fearful of the reality
fearful of what's before me
defeated, before it has even begun

just as unexpectedly
most gently
You melt my heart
reminding me of You
my First love
tears run
freely
as You melt my heart
for You are my First love

'For You alone are my strength and shield'

You are awesome, just wonderful.

When, God, when? ~ Joyce Meyer

Alex shared this note (a really long one) in Facebook and I have just read it, just right after I have commiserated my miserable state at work to a dear friend.

I'm glad I read it because it spoke to me about my current situation.

Warning: A really long post ahead...


We all want good things to happen in our lives, but too often we want it now...not later. When it doesn't happen that way, we are tempted to ask, "When, God, when?" Most of us need to grow in the area of trusting God instead of focusing on the “when” question. If you're missing joy and peace, you're not trusting God. If your mind feels worn out all the time, you're not trusting God. The tendency to want to know about everything that's going on can be detrimental to your Christian walk. Sometimes knowing everything can be uncomfortable and can even hurt you. I spent a large part of my life being impatient, frustrated and disappointed because there were things I didn't know. God had to teach me to leave things alone and quit feeling that I needed to know everything. I finally learned to trust the One who knows all things and accept that some questions may never be answered. We prove that we trust God when we refuse to worry.

God wants us to live by discernment—revelation knowledge, not head knowledge. It's difficult to exercise discernment if you're always trying to figure out everything. But when you're willing to say, "God, I can't figure this out, so I'm going to trust You to give me revelation that will set me free," then you can be comfortable in spite of not knowing. Trusting God often requires not knowing how God is going to accomplish what needs to be done and not knowing when He will do it. We often say God is never late, but generally He isn't early either. Why? Because He uses times of waiting to stretch our faith in Him and to bring about change and growth in our lives.

WAIT WITH PATIENCE

We spend a lot of time in our lives waiting because change is a process. Many people want change, but they don't want to go through the waiting process. But the truth is, waiting is a given — we are going to wait. The question is, are we going to wait the wrong or right way? If we wait the wrong way, we'll be miserable; but if we decide to wait God's way, we can become patient and enjoy the wait. It takes practice, but as we let God help us in each situation, we develop patience, which is one of the most important Christian virtues. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22). It’s developed only under trial, so we must not run from difficult situations. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing (James 1:4). As we develop patience, the Bible says we finally feel completely satisfied—lacking nothing. Even our relationship with God involves progressive changes. My relationship with God is so much different now than it was in the early days of my Christian experience. It is not nearly as emotionally exciting... and yet it is better. Every change I've gone through has made me more mature, solid and well-grounded. We learn to trust God by going through many experiences that require trust. By seeing God's faithfulness over and over, we let go of trusting ourselves, and gradually we place our trust in Him. Looking at it like this, it is easy to see how timing plays an important part in learning to trust God. If He did everything we asked for immediately, we would never grow and develop. Timing and trust work side by side.

ACCEPT GOD’S TIMING

God gives us hopes and dreams for certain things to happen in our lives, but He doesn't always allow us to see the exact timing of His plan. Although frustrating, not knowing the exact timing is often what keeps us in the program. There are times when we might give up if we knew how long it was going to take, but when we accept God's timing, we can learn to live in hope and enjoy our lives while God is working on our problems. We know that God's plan for our lives is good, and when we entrust ourselves to Him, we can experience total peace and happiness. The book of Genesis tells the story of Joseph, who waited many years for the fulfillment of the dream God had given him. He was falsely accused and imprisoned before the time came for him to do what God had shown him he was to do. Exodus 13:17,18 tells us that God led the Israelites the longer, harder way on their journey to the Promised Land because He knew they were not yet ready to go in. There had to be time for their training, and they had to go through some very trying situations. They wasted a lot of time wondering about God's timing, but God never failed to take care of them and show them what He wanted them to do. The same is true in our lives. It was many years after I received my call from God in February of 1976 before I finally began to see major fulfillment of what God had called me to do. God's training period simply requires us to do what He tells us to do when He tells us to do it... without questioning or trying to figure everything out.

LEARN TO RELY ON GOD

Proverbs 16:9 says, A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure. Proverbs 20:24 says, Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way? When God directs our paths, He sometimes leads us in ways that don't make sense to us so we're not always going to understand everything. If we try to reason out everything, we will experience struggle, confusion and misery — but there is a better way. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. This sounds so simple, yet too many people make the mistake of trying to figure everything out themselves. Most of us have spent our lives trying to take care of ourselves, but when we accept Christ as our Savior, we must learn to trust our lives to His care. When we do, we can say with the psalmist, ...I trusted in, relied on, and was confident in You, O Lord; I said, You are my God. My times are in Your hands...(Psalm 31:14,15). First Peter 5:5 tells us that ...God sets Himself against the proud (the insolent, the overbearing, the disdainful, the presumptuous, the boastful)—[and He opposes, frustrates, and defeats them], but gives grace (favor, blessing) to the humble. Anyone who thinks they're a self-made man or woman has a rude awakening coming because Jesus said, ...apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing (John 15:5). Humility is a covering that draws the help of God into our lives to protect us. When we humble ourselves by saying, "God, I don't know what to do, but I'm trusting You," God gets in gear to help us. God won't allow us to succeed at anything unless we're leaning and relying on Him. But when we humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, in due time, He will exalt us (see 1 Peter 5:6). "Due time" is God's time, when God knows we're ready, not when we think we're ready. The sooner we understand and accept that, the sooner God can work His plan in our lives.

FROM SEEDTIME TO HARVEST

Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us: To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven. This lets us know that we all don't live in the same season at the same time. You should never be jealous of someone who is enjoying harvest while you're still in the planting season. Remember, they had to go through a season of planting just as you are. Seeing the results they are enjoying should be an encouragement to you. Understand and trust that God is doing the very best for you in your present season. Seedtime represents learning the will of God. Each time I choose God's will instead of my own, I'm planting a good seed that will eventually bring a harvest in my life. If you want to be victorious, you cannot afford to get pulled into the world's system, doing what you feel like doing. James 1:21 tells us what we should do: ...get rid of all uncleanness and the rampant outgrowth of wickedness, and in a humble (gentle, modest) spirit receive and welcome the Word which implanted and rooted [in your hearts] contains the power to save your souls.

Your soul is your mind, your will and your emotions. When the Word gets rooted in there and begins to change your mind, it begins to heal your emotions and turn your will away from self-will and onto doing the will of God. Living out of one's own soul is equivalent to staying in the wilderness. When my flesh is finally crucified and I get out of my soul and into doing the will of God, that's when I enter the promised land. The promised land is knowing who you are in Christ, knowing how to fellowship with Him, enjoying His presence, and having peace, contentment and joy. Between seedtime and harvest comes a time of waiting. After a seed is planted, the heat, moisture and pressure of the ground finally cause the outer hull to crack open. Then roots shoot down, digging their way through the ground. It takes time for this to happen, and it takes place underground. Above the ground, you can't tell anything is happening. That's the way our lives are. After we plant seeds of obedience, we feel like nothing is happening, but all kinds of things are happening inside where we can't see. And like the seed that finally bursts through the ground with a beautiful green shoot, our seeds of obedience finally break forth into a beautiful manifestation of God in our lives.

When harvest time comes, the desires of your heart begin to manifest — bondages fall off of you and you see your dreams come to pass. You see your kids changing and your family getting saved. Prosperity, favor, promotion, honor, and all kinds of good things come out in the open where they can be seen. In harvest time, more than ever before, you hear from God, you enjoy His presence, and you're led by the Spirit. Blessings begin to chase you down the street, and joy and calm delight become your normal mood. Are you tired of waiting for harvest time in your life? Are you frustrated, crying out, "When, God, when?" Then you need to understand that God's timing is often a mystery. He doesn't do things on our timetable. Yet His Word promises that He will not be late, not one single day. But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day! (Habakkuk 2:3 TLB). God causes things to happen at exactly the right time! Your job is not to figure out when, but to make up your mind that you won't give up until you cross the finish line and are living in the radical, outrageous blessings of God! The more you trust Jesus and keep your eyes focused on Him, the more life you'll have. Trusting God brings life. Believing brings rest. So stop trying to figure everything out, and let God be God in your life.

"Trusting God brings life. Believing brings rest. So stop trying to figure everything out, and let God be God in your life."

How true the statement is and it serves as a reminder to me to let God be God.

Yes, I have been quite out of focus lately.

Another Year

i'm thankful for:

The chance to care for dad

The chance to love him more

The conflicts to try and understand mom better

Though most of the time we don't see eye to eye

D's maturity and desire to better plan for his future

And his love for God

B's promotion

And his success work-wise

A roof over my head

And a simple bed to sleep on

The ability to earn a decent living

And not be in debt

The close friends that i have

And the bond that we share

The ability to appreciate music

And the skill to play an instrument

The ability to serve

And use the talent given me

The general good health

Though not the ideal weight

The love for food

And to enjoy them

The 'children' in my care

And the patience, or the lack of it, to teach them

The ability to see my surroundings

Aided by my thick glasses

The chance to love others

Because He first chose me

^.^

Totally

My dad was stricken with stroke last Dec. It has been 3 months since and he is on his slow journey to recovery. i rejoice tremendously at every little steps that he had taken towards recovery, as he regains more of his physical strength each day.

However, even as i want him to heal quickly and am happy of his recovery thus far, there were some close calls and they really shook me up. One minute he was alright and then suddenly, he plummets. It was like a roller-coaster ride and i'm quite uncertain of how to take care of him. i could not anticipate what's coming next, not that i want bad things to happen.

It was during these times that i had to TOTALLY look up to God and TOTALLY trust Him to take care of my dad. My family and i have done the best that we could, humanly, financially, physically, emotionally possible, to take care of him, to nurture him back to health. Yes, humanly possible. Yet, when the unexpected happens, i could only call upon God's name and cry for His mercy and grace.

Last Tuesday, we brought back a wheelchair for dad. We were excited that we could finally place dad on a chair and let him join us at the living room. Usually, we'd push him (on his bed) to the living area. He'd lie there watching TV, or read the newspaper or just doze off.

So that night we made way for his chair, wheeled him in, covered his body with sarong, trying to make him as comfy as possible. He liked it. He watched the TV, talked to us, asked us to wheel him to the balcony to view the neighbourhood.

Then he started yawning and dozing off a few times. He seemed like he had dozed off when he'd wake up and yawn. Then i heard his wheezing and when i approached him, he was actually drooling and he was perspiring profusely. When i lifted his head, he was drifting into unconciousness and his face was a deathly shade of pale. He was cold, really cold and he seemed to be gagging.

The next few moments was a blur. My brother and a friend were there and we called him, shook him. Dad was vomitting and gagging and had difficulty breathing. And for ONE moment, i thought he was gone because he went limp in my arms and there was no breathing.

My heart was gripped with fear - a fear that i've never experienced before. i was crying for him, calling dad and calling God. Calling God to save my dad. I didn't even know what i was praying (it is all a blur to me now) but i remembered calling God, DEMANDING that He heal dad and restore him.

It seemed like forever; it seemed like a fleeting moment. My dad awakened and said that he was alright in English! We normally speak in Hakka. And at that moment i knew dad was alright. i knew God answered my cry for help.

That night i couldn't sleep. i didn't know why dad went unconscious and i kept watch over him, measuring his BP every 2 hours. He turned out okay.

But images from that night are still fresh on my mind. At one point, i remember my heart went weak with fear, with overwhelming sadness, with brokenness, when i thought he was leaving us.

i do not know how long my dad is going to be with us. i know that he, like everyone else, will meet his Maker one day. But there's one thing that i fervently pray for - if and when he leaves, he will go peacefully. That is my prayer. i do not want him to suffer, to struggle like that fateful Tuesday night.

There are so many things that are beyond my control. So many things that i cannot see. And all i could do is just to pray, to pray, to pray... and let God take care of them.

Faithfully,

God's child '.'