Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Officially Done

As of 3.30 p.m. today, my graduate study has come to its completion when I handed in four copies of my dissertation in the form of hard cover binding to the Centre of Postgraduate Studies.

In a blink of an eye, my two-year study has come to an end and I'm having mixed feeling over it.

Happy - because I've finally completed all my courses and dissertation. No more worries over presentation, assignments, literature reviews, pilot-testing, meeting the relevant authorities to get permission to conduct survey and interviews, trying to make sense of SPSS, interpreting the data, transcribing the interviews, drafting, writing, rewriting, suffering from anxiety up till the last minute prior to meeting up my dear supervisor for his comments on my work, etc.  

Sad - because my life as a full-time postgrad student has come to end and it will be back to work - teaching. My two-year of 'rest' is ending in exactly five days. I am dreading the routines and the tasks of facing SIX (plus / minus one) classes of 45 (plus / minus five) upper secondary school students. The idea of becoming a full-time student is most appealing - that is if I could get the best deal - getting another scholarship to further my studies.

I would have to serve my bond with the government for three years before I am 'allowed' to go anywhere else, unless another miracle happens and I get to go off for a fully sponsored doctorate study. That - is my wishful thinking at this moment.

And so I bid farewell to my school.

The dreaded corridor where we'd be cramming in some theories

while waiting to enter the rooms to sit for our exams.

Farewell. I don't think I'll be missing you.

Done!

Finally, I am done with my dissertation! A huge burden is lifted when I left the photocopy shop with the three sets of manuscript to be submitted for grading. Will be handing them in tomorrow. Hopefully, all will be well with the grading by the two readers, the return of my work with minimal changes, submission of the hard cover copies and getting to graduate this Nov.

Technically, my study's done and I still have another 2 1/2 months of break. Happiness! Will need to make some arrangement regarding my posting. Am mentally preparing myself for the next phase of my journey.

Proposal Defence

The proposal defence for my dissertation is over and done. I'm happy and grateful that the panel gave me the green light to proceed.

 Photo credit

I must admit that the week leading up to my defence was not that pleasant as I was worried over what the panel would have to say about my work.

What if I've used the wrong method?

What if the theoretical framework employed does not make sense?

What if the literature review is not extensive or current enough?

What if I couldn't answer their questions?

What if my proposal needs major amendments and changes?

The knowledge that the first reader who never fails to shake-up and attack and tear apart the work of his candidates during presentation did not help my increasing worry. I guess I just do not want to appear like a fool and be demotivated before the panel.

I don't know how and why but when I arrived at the venue to wait for my turn, I found out that my group had a totally different panel. The second candidate was already in the room for more than 40 minutes and it did make me wonder if they were very dissatisfied with her work to question her for so long.

After one hour, she came out and informed those waiting nervously that the profs were very kind. They had merely given her many suggestions on how to improve her work and it took one whole hour. At that moment, all my fears dissipated!   

What can I say except that God is just so very good to me. One of my prayer requests was that the well-known highly critical prof won't be nasty and what did God do? He had the whole panel changed and I entered the room before two most kind, gentle and encouraging profs.

And the best part is, they were very satisfied with my work and only suggested a very minor change!

The same could not be said for some of my friends under different panels. Though they could proceed with their research, some had to modify and amend nearly 60% of their work! And an unfortunate course mate had to re-submit his work within one week due to a minor oversight on his part which was caught by a very fastidious prof. It was that gruesome!

I'm not saying that I had it easy or my work is flawless but I just disagree with how proposal defense is run here, well at least in my uni. It is supposed to be a sharing and feedback session to help students improve their work. Not a 'tearing' / 'hentam' (bashing) session which seems quite the norm here. Is it any wonder that post-grads do not look forward to their defence?  

**********

  

Thank You so much, DD! You know my fears and erased them for me and I'm so very grateful!

1/2 Way Mark

Qualitative. Quantitative. Mixed-method. Pilot-testing. Literature review. Research objectives. Limitations / delimitations. Data collection. Data analysis. Theoretical framework. Research framework. Focus group interview. Questionnaire. Transcription. Emerging data...

Writing up my dissertation proposal was an agonizing process. It felt like giving birth - not that I've gone through labour.

But it was just so agonizing. Wondering if I'm on the right path. The more I read, the more confused I am.

"You are going through the process," the dear Dr (PhD) told me.

What process? I just want to be done with my study. I don't want to go through any process... I don't want to have sleepless nights wondering if I'm on the right track, doing the right thing.

Yet there's no answer. Not yet anyway.

"Link it to what's out there."

But what's out there? How much more do I have to read? What's the scope? Will what I find make any sense?

Gaahhh.

***********

I couldn't sleep last night, anticipating my appointment with the Dr today.

Fearful of his disapproval / approval of my write-up.

Thank God he approved, and signed the form for my mock viva.

In fact, I thought he was generous with his comment of my work.

Yet why was I so fearful, anxious? Why was I so afraid that it's not good enough?

*Sigh... the pressure.

***********

I'm thankful that it was approved. I think that was my source of stress - not getting an approval for my work.

Tonight, I can sleep tight.

Semester Ends

I sat for my last paper this morning and as of 11.40 a.m., my second semester has come to an end.

Can't believe how quickly times passes by.

It seems like a blur and honestly I did not do much this semester though I took three papers and there were more assignments.

I've yet to churn out my final proposal for my dissertation but I will have to work on it and send a copy to my supervisor before my much-anticipated trip to the Philippines at the end of the month.

I think I now have a clearer idea of how all the theories, concepts and principles fit in together as compared to last semester and is less anxious. However, I'm still quite unsure of the area that I want to research on.

Somehow my initial idea is not that good and I might have to cut my losses and discover a new angle or a totally new area of research.

Anyway, will be working on my research in earnest starting next week and I pray that I'll really find something I'd really love to do and enjoy the whole process.

Positivity

This principle was put to good use today.

For the past one month, one of our assignments is to produce a teaching video. The four of us, the 'older' less computer savvy students, relied heavily on our youngest member, Emmanuel, on the technical part. He was just so good that he used another newer version of the movie editing software to create our video. The final product in terms of the technical aspect was beyond the 'older' member's our expectation.

For the presentation this morning, Emmanuel, our technical man, was not able to join us as he was involved in a Taekwondo competition.

Alas, the group presentation did not go well as planned. Halfway into the video, the video lagged and did not run smoothly. My heart broke when I saw that because I knew it shouldn't have been the case as we had tested it many times just earlier on.

It was just such an awful feeling to see our baby - the video - lagging and being distorted. I had really wanted to cry because it just did not do justice to the hard work put in, especially our techie's. Because of the distortion, the impact that I had hoped our video would showcase was, to a degree, lessened.

It was beauty distorted!

Fortunately, our lecturer insisted that we run the video again after every group had presented. This time, we played it on our laptop - and it was smooth!

True beauty was revealed!

This unexpected technical error is the 10%. Being such an emo femme, I would have been overly affected by what had happened. I was, however, quick to remind myself to be positive and not let my emotion run too wild.

Yes, I was disappointed. The presentation did not go as planned. The first viewing of the video was painful to watch. The impact was lessened. I didn't feel good about it.

But it was unexpected and beyond our control then. We've done our part but the unexpected just had to happen.

Reflection:

• Expect the unexpected.
• When the 10% strikes, just let it go - snap out of it, quick!

Sophie still has a long way to go but she's very consciously working on it!

I love my group!
L - R: Emmanuel, Theresa, Nazri & HaleeB

March 20: Room 3

Awake

Still awake, having just completed my preparation for the presentation tomorrow this morning.

It's been quite awhile ever since I had to be still awake at this hour working on something fruitful.

Strangely awake that I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Pass!!! Phew...

I pass my first sem!!! Yay!

I have just returned from my 2nd semester registration and am mighty pleased with myself.

However, the uni has yet to reveal our grades / CGPA; it's still in the process... Sigh...

I had really wanted to know how I fare in my exam but will only get to know from the 20th onwards.

Am keeping my fingers crossed that I will get some sort of grade that will help create some sort of buffer zone for me... as in to help me balance out some lousy grades that I might get in the future... *no, please God, no* I wouldn't want that to happen.

For this semester, I have registered for three fixed subjects:

1. Data Analysis in Research Methodology,
2. Theoretical Bases of Language Learning, and
3. Multimedia & WEB in Education.

Registration Form
Jan 12: Post-grad Centre

My first lesson will start next Saturday, on the 23rd of January and it will be a busier semester.

I hope I will do better and finalize my proposal as well. Hopefully, I'll be able to slot in at least two weeks to gather more literature reviews in some unis in KL.

Wish me all the best!

Thank you, DD, for seeing me through the first semester and please enable me to go through the second one!

Officially On Leave...

Today, another surprise awaits me in the mailbox - my official letter for my study-leave!

The Official Letter
Jan 8: Home

I was deeply surprised because I had just received the letter of notification and sent the reply slip by courier the previous day. It couldn't be THAT fast!

I had expected that it would take another two weeks to a month's time for BTP to process the letter and mail it to me. It was indeed pleasantly unexpected!

Upon scrutiny, I saw that this letter was dated 14 Dec 2009 while the notification letter which I had received the day before was dated 15 Dec! Now, how could this be?

It is another mind-boggling thing to for BTP to issue the study-leave letter before they had issued the notification letter. Furthermore, the letter of notification which was issued later arrived first! Isn't that strange?

But I'm not complaining because I reckon that they had to clear my case before last year ended and not carry forward to this year. How do I know this?

Well, the dates on both letters were written rather than printed - it felt like being back-dated and also because the dates are not in chronological order.

If this is a mistake, then I'm happy that I do not have to wait another month for them to settle it.

With this letter in hand, I hope everything is now cleared and the funds will be released.

Thank You, DD. You've done it again!

Contract

The much-awaited letter has arrived! *true happiness*

Letter of Notification
Jan 7: Car

After much hooha and inexplicable, mind-boggling telephone encounters, I received the letter of notification and contract from Putrajaya in my mail this afternoon.

I had to sign and return the reply slip to MOE ASAP so that they could issue my official study-leave and bank in the money.

In a jiffy, I got everything ready and drove to Foh Sang to photostat the letter for my own documentation and to purchase an envelope, before making my way to the nearest courier service company, Citylink, which is situated in the row of shops before the roundabout to Jalan Bundusan.

That single mail cost me RM13. I didn't know that it would cost that much. I thought it was cheaper. Anyway, this was money that I could happily part with.

I was geared for a jog at Tun Fuad Park since I was nearby. The gloomy weather, however, was not in my favour. I had wanted to go home instead when I decided to go ahead with my plan.

I reached the park around 4 p.m. and it started to drizzle lightly. I still went ahead anyway and I was glad I did. The light shower stopped soon after and it was sunny again.

I was there for two solid hours and did five rounds, increasing the duration and pace of my jog with each round. Am pleased as punch because I could just feel my fats melting away!!! ^^

It was a happy day for me and on my way home, something amusing caught my attention...

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A lil toddler perched precariously on the motorcyle seat!

Though he was protected by his grandfather, I thought it was too vulnerable a position to place a lil boy in!

Free!!

I'm free at last!

A huge burden is lifted off my shoulders the moment the last page of my research proposal was printed. I have no idea if the proposal will be understood by my lecturer but it's done and was handed in today at 10 a.m.

I still can't believe that I've officially completed the first semester of my study. How quickly time passes by! I will be starting my second semester sometime in January next year.

It seemed just like yesterday when I first started my journey of going back to full time study again.

At this moment in time, I do not miss my working life at all. Nope, never missed it since the day I left though I miss my few kindred spirits there.

Even though there were times of confusion, inability to grasp the new concepts and theories that I'm learning, adjusting to being an independent learner and encountering some stressful situations academically, it is much better than working.

I'm savouring every moment right now. I want to enjoy what I have now to the fullest!

Thanks, DD. Only You know what I really need. I can't thank You enough!

Relieved

Finally I could breathe a sigh of relief. I'm done with my exam though I still have to finish up my proposal which is due on Dec 10.

It was just a very different experience sitting for the exam. It's been nearly a decade since I last had to read so much and try to memorize certain facts. There were just so much to cover and understand. Seriously, I have never ever gone into an exam hall with this much feelings of inadequacy, unpreparedness, uncertainty, fear and doubt (except for my government PTK multiple-choice exam which I had never bothered to read).

Another aspect that I'm still struggling with is the application of all these knowledge. At this level, it is more about application which I'm still trying to get used to - the application of theories into practice or practice supported by theories. The link.

Besides juggling all these facts, I realize that I've lost the momentum and memory power to study. It used to be such a breeze; understanding, reading up, making short notes, memorizing, remembering - all done in quite a short time.

Now, I'm like dragging myself - read, reread, and reread and yet not really comprehending and soaking it all up. Sigh... is it really age catching up or do I still need to work harder?

The funny thing that I couldn't help but to bang my head on the wall is I failed to practice good time management during my first paper (and there I was all these years advising and reminding my students to practise good time management during an exam... =.=).

I had three hours to answer four questions but my time management was so horrendously bad that I had only ten minutes to write the fourth essay! I have no one else but myself to blame. Am keeping my fingers crossed that this will not cause me to get only a B-. Getting a B- is bad. It will cause me to get kicked out of school!!!

I'm realistic - just aiming for a B. Please, DD, please.

At this moment, I'm relieved that the exam part is over but there's still the proposal to be churned out. More reading and writing.

Yup, this is the reflection of a more 'mature' student sitting for an exam which she deems rigorous.

I just can't wait for Dec 10. It's independence day for me study-wise. I want to enjoy my Christmas holiday; set up my simple Christmas tree, stroll down the malls, window-shop, buy some new outfits for myself, eat some fattening food with family and friends, watch some movies, read more novels, watch TV, laze around and also not forgetting, exercise more...

Ah... pure bliss...

Blank

My mind is a piece of emptiness. I seem to understand what I'm reading yet there's also so much that I don't! So much to memorize but I am not sure if I'm capable of doing it.

Then, there's the difference between reading, understanding, and memorizing; and actually applying it.

Haiz... another round of stress...

Serendipity - not!

My joy was actually short-lived and I only realize it more than a month later - yesterday. I decided to call up KL to check the status of my study leave seeing that it has been quite some time and I have yet to receive any letter from them.

After calling Mr ZY, the person-in-charge, he put me on hold for awhile to check on my file.

"Cik, kita belum dapat fax dari cik lagi. Cik dah fax ke ni?"

Haiz...

In about 15 minutes, after digging through my files (and that was after some venting of steam and kepanasan and whining and complaining to myself), I find myself at the same photostatting shop to fax the said letter again. There was some problem getting through initially but it was done when I heard the familiar sharp-pitched sound generated by the fax machine.

Upon reaching home, I called Mr ZY to inform him that the letter had been faxed. After some (feigned helplessness) questions on when I should call again to check if he has received the fax, he obligingly went to the machine to look for it and said that he has got it. Phew. At least I'm spared of making another call to the gov dept just to check whether they have got my fax.

I did not stop there. I further inquired when I should be expecting the official letter (if I could get it within two weeks' time) from them now that all my documents are intact and they could proceed to process my application. Mr ZY said he would process it immediately BUT it all depends on the pegawai yang meluluskan.

"Kalau dia cepat, tak de masalah, rasanya cepatlah tu surat cik dikeluarkan. Cik bolehlah call balik saya untuk check status surat cik nanti."

Haiz... so I'd have to call again...

***

The reason why I'm so frustrated about this whole thing is that my coursemate who is also on the same study leave as me has got his letter in September. His application was processed without the need of extra letters of verification of our uni whereas they required that I get the letter.

We are doing the same course in the same uni, registered at the same time, offered the same study leave by the same gov dept in KL which is handled by the same people and yet one needs verification and the other need not. And yes, once I found out that my coursemate had received his letter already without needing any extra verification, I did inform them and Mr ZY was surprised but... they still want the extra doc from me.

Where is the logic in this?

Why, oh, why, DD?

Having grumbled and all, I'm still grateful for the liaison man, the patient, soft-spoken and polite Mr ZY. I can assume that he is a nice man, at least based on our few phone conversations.

Lesson:
If you want things to get done at gov dept (if you are too far away to be there physically), don't forget to call, call, and call - just to remind them of your existence and to 'help' them to keep track of your stuff coz they can't really keep track of so many things, can they?

Grit your teeth and speak nicely, gently and politely though you are steaming and boiling inwardly and outwardly.

Try to push them to process your stuff a lil quicker without them knowing that you are pushing them by asking more questions; feigning cluelessness and helplessness.

***

I will only know if the above really works only AFTER I have the black-and-white safely in my hands.

Oh, please, oh, please, DD...

Fruitful

Drafted the letter required by KL. Saw the admin clerk who has kindly attended to me, took my draft and asked me to return tomorrow to get the signed letter. Quite surprised by his quick deadline. Am doubtful but let's see...

Saw my supervisor, DR, though I did not make an appointment. Told me about his style of work and requirements. During the course of our conversation, found out that he is very meticulous, organized, prepared, objective, straight to the point, direct, technologically-savvy, holds a first-come first-served policy and is a fast worker! Hmm, I like his style. Have a good vibe about him. I can safely say that I am fortunate to have DR as my supervisor. Already looking forward to work with him.

Had wanted to see another lecturer for his lecture notes which he had promised to e-mail to our class rep since three weeks ago but has yet to do so. Stuck on his door is a piece of white Post-It note: Cuti --- 30/9

Went to the library and searched for some books related to Research Methodology and also Classroom Interaction. Wow, some of the shelves are just so messy; the prominent work of irresponsible and 'kiasu' undergraduates. Did some skimming and identified six thick books which I subsequently borrowed. So heavy...

Dropped by a dear friend's home for a while and updated news.

Will have to diligently make time to read those thick books. How I wish they are novels...

Am as pleased as punch today because I have, finally, started to do something.

All the best to me :)

Moving On

Well, it is time to get moving, study-wise.

After a self-declared one month break of which I'm very grateful for - where I've had all the sleeping-in late, waking up when I wanted to, watching some of my favourite dramas and sitcoms on Astro, reading all the non-academic related books, novels, blogs and news, going for a retreat, Facebooking, Youtubing, pottering about at home, dining out with my family, meeting up with some friends here and there, - I am ready to immerse myself into full study mode.

When I was up to my neck with school work and was drowning in stress, all I had wanted was a change of environment. I'm grateful and happy that finally I've got what I had wished for.

What I didn't expect was the freedom that comes with it. All of a sudden, all the free time that I have seems too daunting. For a moment, I didn't know what to do after the many years of living a very routine life dictated by timetables, classroom management, reports, meetings, extra-classes, co-curricular activities, exam and marking deadlines and a host of student and non-student related stuff.

It all seems so surreal now that I'm out of the system. I was extremely gleeful initially but now I'm a bit directionless and out of focus.


But, yup, once I start clocking into the uni library from 9 to 5 and locking myself in a study cubicle, my life should return to some semblance of normalcy, I guess.

Registered!

Yesterday, on July 10, I've official registered for my post-grad study at the uni. Looking forward to my two-year study break!

Thank you, DD, for your blessing!