Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Counter Clearance

The kitchen was solely Ma's territory. No one disturbs or messes up with her haven. Simple and functional, it was Ma's.

Even when she was taken ill, it was still her place - that is until she left us. The kitchen is no one's.

The kitchen is left as it is since the day Ma left. Often, I'd prepare my breakfast and lunch for work but it isn't mine. It never feels like mine.

Many a time, I had wanted to clear everything up but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Earlier this year just before the CNY, I tried. I started with the first top drawer. It was a mistake. I saw all Ma's medication and I just broke down and cried. I didn't expect the sadness that could overwhelm me. So, I left the kitchen as it is.

A section of the counter top was getting messier - new ones on top of the old.

A mess! The broken juicer which I used daily to process fresh juices for Ma.

Ma's health supplements

The new packet of Korean seaweed I bought for Ma just a few days before she left us.

I was / am still stuck with the past. Unwilling to let go of certain items. Hanging on - for comfort, perhaps?

In my mind, I would tell myself to clear up the kitchen but it was only in my mind.

Today, I just went ahead and cleared it. Threw away the expired, wiped down the dusty surface and arranged what's left.

What's left

 

The emptiness

 

For the rice cooker... and perhaps a new oven / pressure cooker?

I would like to feel like the kitchen's mine.

Slowly, but surely.

The Last Mother's Day Meal

Was clearing my phone data when I saw these forgotten pix. Had been wanting to archive these for a while.

May 13, 2012 - It was a busy night at our family's favourite seafood restaurant. Actually, it's my bro's fav. And I know Ma would only go to bro's fav diners so that he could eat his favs. I remember we had to wait for nearly 30 mins for a table.  It was a full house. But the service was fast. The meal was served within 5 mins of ordering. And it was wiped out in just 15 mins. And that ends the meal.

The atmosphere was unnerving. Too noisy and crowded. Patrons had to shout to get themselves heard. But Ma had always insisted on going out on the busiest days of the year. I never did understand that. 

I had to leave to pick up a friend from the airport so I left after the meal. It was the last Mother's Day meal.

Unmemorable yet memorable.

Loveliness

It's another bunch of loveliness - a burst of colours to my otherwise mundane dining area.