The Last Day

This is the last piece of daily calendar that Ma tore. She passed on the next day on the 16th. Ma would tear a piece everyday and put it in her drawer. I found this shortly after Ma passed on. It was heartbreaking seeing it then for it indicates her last moments alive, moving about, breathing.

For the longest time I couldn't find myself to clear her things in her room. But now that the upper floor renovation is going on, I had to go through her things again and start throwing.

They say time heals and indeed it does. Seeing this piece in her drawer brought back distant memories. Melancholic. Thought of her... a tinge of sadness. But no more tears. No more pain.

As I dispose off this reminder, so I choose not to linger and look back at the pain. I choose to move on, to live and to keep good memories of Ma.

Dawn of a New Year

The New Year
~ Martha Snell Nicholson 

Dear Lord, as this new year is born
I give it to Thy hand,
Content to walk by faith what paths
I cannot understand.

Whatever coming days may bring
Of bitter loss, or gain,
Or every crown of happiness;
Should sorrow come, or pain,

Or, Lord, if all unknown to me
Thine angel hovers near
To bear me to that farther shore
Before another year,

It matters not—my hand in Thine,
Thy light upon my face,
Thy boundless strength when I am weak,
Thy love and saving grace!

I only ask, loose not my hand,
Grip fast my soul, and be
My guiding light upon the path
Till, blind no more, I see!

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DD dearest,

May this coming new year be like flowers,
Bursts of colours bringing cheers to my heart,
Gentle velvety softening of my heart,
Fragrant in smell drawing hearts,
Little surprises bringing pleasure to my heart.

May my soul, my thoughts, my speech, my actions be captured in You, my dearest first Love!
For it's only in You that my eternal live lies.
May my priorities be right -
Heart abounding in love, life abounding in joy, heart abounding in happiness, soul abounding in peace.
Find rest, oh my soul, in the arms of my Protector, my Love.

A Prayer in Spring
~ Robert Frost

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil

Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

The End

Twist and turn,
How quickly you responded
Amazed to see you in this light
Squirming like a worm
Cold, wet and slimy

Somehow I am amused
Somehow it is so good to analyse your defenses
Somehow it never fails to amaze me
How you got yourself trapped
But how fast you wriggle your way out!

I am amazed
Because such energy could have been put into better use
In order to be a more genuine person
With less excuses
And laying on the blames

You are a case study
In the human facade
Of twist and turns
Double-facedness
Insolence and pride

But I will never stoop to your level
And fight you at your game
For I shall definitely lose
In unfamiliar waters
Facing a veteran of excuses

Instead I will, if my will allows it
To use my power of analysis
Of spotting inconsistency
Using your own words
To pull you down just a peg or two

I am so sorry it has to be this way
Yet not sorry that it is this way
Because you have taken too much for granted
My genuine kindness and sincerity
Throwing it down the drain

It is not that you don't know
But I know that you know
If you were to choose between you and I
You would definitely have chosen me
Because I was never in your league

Choosing you would make you cry
Choosing you would make you lose
Choosing you would make you used
Choosing you would make you be abused
You would have beaten you in your own game

But as I refuse to subject to you again
But as I stopped listening to your vanity
But as I ceased lending you that support
I hope that you are aware
It was you who had chosen it this way

May you seek solace in your family
The ones whom you love the most
The ones whom you brag of the most
The ones whom you support the most


To the exclusion of everyone else

You will never be a good friend
Not even a friend
For there is never room
Anywhere in your life
To include anyone not family

Just because you are somewhere in life
Doesn't mean you have achieved it on your own
Because in your journey of many miles
There were friends who had genuinely conceded
But just that you were too blind to see

But how can the blind see?
How can the arrogant know?
How can the proud admit?
How can the cunning concur?
The kindness of a genuine friend?

You are you
I am I
The line is clearly drawn
Two separate entities
That may never cross ever again.

The end.

Ugliness

As I discard the filters from my eyes, I'm beginning to see the ugliness -

the ugliness of passing the buck,

the ugliness of finger-pointing,

the ugliness of not taking up the responsibilities while expecting others to do so,

the ugliness of withholding information,

the ugliness of pride, 

the ugliness of arrogance,

the ugliness of "I don't knows",

the ugliness of "others can't do it, but it's okay with me".

I find it hard to comprehend, to digest, to swallow.

Has it been this ugly all this while?

Why couldn't I see it? Why didn't I realize it?

Am I being unfair? Am I finding fault?

Alas, no.

I've accepted too much, allowed too much, tolerated too much, given too much benefits of doubt.

I was too naive and impressed to see a different perspective so different from mine that it dazzles.

But, my admiration and respect are shattered.

Not that it is perfection. For no one is perfect. 

But never did I expect such double-mindedness, such unkindness, such selfishness, such maneuvering.

Someone who doesn't practice what one preaches! And such an amazing preacher that is!!!

So what if God is claimed as the God in life?

It is nothing!

Nothing but false claims! Nothing but a lip service! Nothing but a dead faith!

Where am I in this equation?

No where. No where.

For I have wised up. For I shall need to protect my heart. For I shall not be made used of ever again.

It is never too late to learn although it is 10 years too late. At least, I won't be fooled for even another day.

Such a sad realization - but such is life in this fallen world.

Reconnection

Recent events have led to many small gatherings of friends from teenage years. These are friends who had laughed, cried, argued, shared, loved, had crushes on / with, served, worked together.

Each had been busy with his / her life - career, marriage, raising young children, taking care of aged parents.

For a span of a few years, the friendship and connection seemed to have cooled down and became customary.

But since June, somehow we managed to gather together and caught up with each others' life. Every one seems to be at a stage in life where we come to realize the comfort and joy of reconnecting and supporting each other.

I have been greatly encouraged by the turn of event. Our teenage friendship, though interspersed with the busyness of life and age, seems to serve as a strong foundation until today.

It is easier to reconnect and be transparent once again. The facade of success tears away as some of us shared our deepest thoughts with each other. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence.

On recollection, I am grateful that despite the challenges that I faced these past 20 years, I still seem to be holding on quite well. For that, I'm thankful for my heavenly Father who has guided me in my seasons of sorrow and joy.

Thankful that these friends remain the most sincere relationships that I've ever forged and delighted that we are starting to make it a point to gather together for meals and have a good laugh together.

~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest, thank You so much for Your kind providence. When I am at the brink of losing faith in genuine and sincere friendship, You have brought back my most treasured friends. It has greatly encouraged me and lifted my wavering spirit. I can't thank You enough!

Walking Away?

Somehow reading this article comforted me and gave me so much insights into what I should do (if it ever comes to this) and how I should do it. But will seriously need to re-evaluate the whole situation because I really do not want to make rash decisions. 

I had been feeling so wretched all these while - feeling so guilty - doubting myself so much and feeling so hurt and drained to the point of sleepless nights and actually having headaches because the love and respect I have for this relationship is so much, just too much.

Had so many thoughts, analysis (and over-analysis) and contemplations over this relationship. Shed so much tears yet somehow knowing there may be no way of bringing up these issues because of the anticipated defensiveness. Encountered that a few times over the past two years and it had always made me feel so wretched, lost, confused, feeling as if I'm the wrong party and the matter(s) was never resolved.

But actually now I know that they have been merely swept under the carpet because I lack the courage to pursue... for fear of losing the relationship...

But is this not a one-sided relationship in the first place?

Oh God, please help me! Feeling so wretched and painful... because of the decision I'm about to make...

Can I?

"Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don't."

Appeared in Whatsapp and struck me.

How do I have compassion for the ones who don't treat me right. Quotable quotes are great at exactly that - quoting actions that take every fibre of the human strength to perform.

Once the rose-tinted lens is removed, either voluntarily or involuntarily, would I be still able to love the unlovable? When all these while, while I've had my doubts, reservations and questions, I've loved and supported as best as humanly possible. As a true and loyal friend, not perfect, but the best in all my imperfections.

But now that my eyes are opened, it is so hard to understand, to comprehend, to love, to cherish, to forgive.

It seems that I'm just another tool, an object, an option - dispensable. 

All I see are faults, mistakes, excuses, ugliness and selfishness. Can I still have compassion then? Can I?

At this moment, honestly, I just can't...

It's just too painful.

In the Shadow of the Cross

"Let all earthly crowns,
Fade in the shadow of the cross."

This song came to me again these past few days.
The struggle is getting increasingly hard to fight.
The battle of the mind, the spirit, the flesh and the heart is emptying me out.

There are just too many earthly crowns to lay down.
Too many to discard.
Too difficult and painful to let go.
But it's to be done.
But it's too hard!

It's time, it's time to move on.
It's time to be vulnerable again - vulnerable to Him.
To yield and to let go.
But the cocoon is safe, comfortable and warm.
Snugly warm, warmly snug.
Too enticing.

Abba Father! Please enable me for I am weak and fragile.
I fear that I would break into smithereens if I were to be wounded again.
It's just too hard to wear my heart on my sleeves again.
But how can I love without surrendering and giving my heart?
Dear God, dear God.


http://youtube.com/watch/?v=0b3SdiwBqCs 

Move on

It's time to move on
I know
But it's too hard
too empty
too lonely
too treacherous
too afraid

But I can't remain
where I am indefinitely
It's time, it's time
Look forward
Take a step
And walk forward
No turning back
No running back

But it's all right
I guess
Once in a while
To turn my head to see
How far I've left the past behind?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest,
Please hold me in Your able hands as I move on. I know I can only rely on You - only You alone.

1/2 Way Mark

Qualitative. Quantitative. Mixed-method. Pilot-testing. Literature review. Research objectives. Limitations / delimitations. Data collection. Data analysis. Theoretical framework. Research framework. Focus group interview. Questionnaire. Transcription. Emerging data...

Writing up my dissertation proposal was an agonizing process. It felt like giving birth - not that I've gone through labour.

But it was just so agonizing. Wondering if I'm on the right path. The more I read, the more confused I am.

"You are going through the process," the dear Dr (PhD) told me.

What process? I just want to be done with my study. I don't want to go through any process... I don't want to have sleepless nights wondering if I'm on the right track, doing the right thing.

Yet there's no answer. Not yet anyway.

"Link it to what's out there."

But what's out there? How much more do I have to read? What's the scope? Will what I find make any sense?

Gaahhh.

***********

I couldn't sleep last night, anticipating my appointment with the Dr today.

Fearful of his disapproval / approval of my write-up.

Thank God he approved, and signed the form for my mock viva.

In fact, I thought he was generous with his comment of my work.

Yet why was I so fearful, anxious? Why was I so afraid that it's not good enough?

*Sigh... the pressure.

***********

I'm thankful that it was approved. I think that was my source of stress - not getting an approval for my work.

Tonight, I can sleep tight.

Fruitful Trip

Despite those quirky happenings, my working trip to KL has been a fruitful one. Managed to download some journal articles and locate and photostat most of the hard copies that I need although there are also some which I couldn't gain online access to since I'm not a student of UKM.

I think I've had enough of the the libraries of UM and UKM for now.

The graduate lab where I've been sourcing for more online articles

Computer 15 - my preferred unit
July 12: UKM graduate lab

I know I'd never be able to finish locating all the articles as I've yet to conduct my pilot study so those I've found will have to suffice for now as I still need to review all those articles and include them in my dissertation.

I came to KL with one thick ring file and will be returning with four times its thickness. Hopefully none will be wasted and will be of use.

The good news is that my supervisor seems to be satisfied with my proposal although I'll need to revise my third research question. I hope all will go well and my pilot study and further reviews will take off after my scheduled appointment with him this Friday.

This is only the beginning and I'm bracing myself for the full works ahead.

Dear DD, thank You so much for your providence. I can't thank you enough!

Remembering

What makes this year's  Father's Day a special occasion is that it also falls on my birth-date.

It is with a very mixed feeling that I am celebrating my birthday together with Father's Day today. For dad, it will be just like any other day. No special feast, no going out and he will be just as contented.

For me, I have come a milestone in my journey in life. Am feeling melancholic because recent events have taught me to re-evaluate my priorities in life - not that any major crisis had happened. I do not wish to remember God only when I'm in trouble, stuck, hurt, confused and worrying and needed Him to come rescue me from whatever tight spot that I'm in.

God is good and has always been good to me even on those tough and hard days when I'd forget Him and complain, whine, wail - forgetting that He is faithfully watching over me.

I'm learning to remember God daily; to know His presence and to feel His peace.

Happy Father's Day

Sophie: Did you have your showers today?
Dad: Yes.
Sophie: Who helped you to shower?
Dad: Those two. (Meaning my bros.)
Sophie: Do you smell nice?
Dad: Yes.
Sophie: Do you feel good?
Dad: Yes.

Sophie: Pa, do you know what day is it today?

Dad: It's Sunday. (Because he had just showered. On weekdays, Ma will sponge-bath him.)

Sophie: Do you know what date is it today?

Dad: No.

Sophie: It's June 20th. What can you remember about the date?
Dad: No, nothing.
Sophie: It's my birthday. Say 'happy birthday' to me.

Dad: Happy birthday.

Sophie: Do you know that today is also Father's Day?

Dad: No.

Sophie: It is Father's Day today. Happy Father's Day.

It may be just another day for you but you have come a long way since those early days.

In the quietness of your thoughts, I hope and pray that you know we all love you.

Facing my Fears

Have been plagued by fear recently and I'm not the most optimistic person.

This sharing spoke to me.

Overcome your fears by…

• Face your fears, don’t run from them ~ if you don’t confront fears you will never overcome them. It’s okay to be fearful, that is normal, but it’s not okay to let that fear control you. Recognize you are afraid then ask yourself, “How do I overcome this?”
• Failure is an event, not a person ~ remember that failure is an event it is not you! We all make mistakes in our lives, we all fail, but it doesn’t mean we are failures. Even if you do fail, pick yourself back up and try again knowing that you can always do better and learn from each experience.
• Stop thinking negative & envision the positive ~ Don’t focus on the negative things that can happen. What you think is what you become. But when you think, think positive, envision success and how you see yourself overcoming your fear and being great! What you see, is what you get!
• Practice and Preparation calms your fears ~ many times we are fearful because we are not equipped. When we practice and prepare for what we are called to do, it will calm our fears because we know that we can do it and we know how to do it. Much fear is based upon a lack of preparation.
• Prayer & Meditation ~ There is no better way to get your eyes off yourself and on to God then through prayer. It is through prayer that we realize we need help from above to do the impossible. When we pray, it calms our soul and gives us faith that we are not alone, but with the help of God.
• Go with your heart & let doing your best be your success ~ You only fail if you don’t try. If you do what is in your heart and you do your absolute best, no matter what the outcome, it’s not a failure it is a success. Knowing this, you will not be afraid to fail.

Thank you DD for Your timely reminder. Am still learning to capture my thoughts.

Semester Ends

I sat for my last paper this morning and as of 11.40 a.m., my second semester has come to an end.

Can't believe how quickly times passes by.

It seems like a blur and honestly I did not do much this semester though I took three papers and there were more assignments.

I've yet to churn out my final proposal for my dissertation but I will have to work on it and send a copy to my supervisor before my much-anticipated trip to the Philippines at the end of the month.

I think I now have a clearer idea of how all the theories, concepts and principles fit in together as compared to last semester and is less anxious. However, I'm still quite unsure of the area that I want to research on.

Somehow my initial idea is not that good and I might have to cut my losses and discover a new angle or a totally new area of research.

Anyway, will be working on my research in earnest starting next week and I pray that I'll really find something I'd really love to do and enjoy the whole process.

Positivity

This principle was put to good use today.

For the past one month, one of our assignments is to produce a teaching video. The four of us, the 'older' less computer savvy students, relied heavily on our youngest member, Emmanuel, on the technical part. He was just so good that he used another newer version of the movie editing software to create our video. The final product in terms of the technical aspect was beyond the 'older' member's our expectation.

For the presentation this morning, Emmanuel, our technical man, was not able to join us as he was involved in a Taekwondo competition.

Alas, the group presentation did not go well as planned. Halfway into the video, the video lagged and did not run smoothly. My heart broke when I saw that because I knew it shouldn't have been the case as we had tested it many times just earlier on.

It was just such an awful feeling to see our baby - the video - lagging and being distorted. I had really wanted to cry because it just did not do justice to the hard work put in, especially our techie's. Because of the distortion, the impact that I had hoped our video would showcase was, to a degree, lessened.

It was beauty distorted!

Fortunately, our lecturer insisted that we run the video again after every group had presented. This time, we played it on our laptop - and it was smooth!

True beauty was revealed!

This unexpected technical error is the 10%. Being such an emo femme, I would have been overly affected by what had happened. I was, however, quick to remind myself to be positive and not let my emotion run too wild.

Yes, I was disappointed. The presentation did not go as planned. The first viewing of the video was painful to watch. The impact was lessened. I didn't feel good about it.

But it was unexpected and beyond our control then. We've done our part but the unexpected just had to happen.

Reflection:

• Expect the unexpected.
• When the 10% strikes, just let it go - snap out of it, quick!

Sophie still has a long way to go but she's very consciously working on it!

I love my group!
L - R: Emmanuel, Theresa, Nazri & HaleeB

March 20: Room 3

Common Sense, Where Art Thou?

Annette, posted this sarcastically well-written obituary in her FB which I thought has well-encapsulated what is also going on in Malaysia right now.

An Obituary printed in the London Times - not a joke and makes you think!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
And, maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
By his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Rain

I love rainy days. Listening to the pitter-patters of rain is comforting.

(Photo credit here)

It always brings back memories of my childhood when I would sit on my late grandpa's chair at the porch and read my novels. It was so cooling.

Sometimes when it was raining very heavily, strong gusts of wind would blow tiny droplets of rain and land on my skin. Distracted, I would sit there and just look at the dark, stormy sky and the torrents of rain pouring from the pregnant clouds.

Rainy days bring back memories of the warmth of my family's tiny house; a bowl of warm Bovril soup, a cup of hot Milo and the safety and comfort of my bed when lightnings stroke and thunders roared.

Today is the first day of the new year and my favourite natural phenomena has occurred. It rained in the afternoon and is raining now. Many would have had their new year's day bbq or outings ruined.

But for me, it is a good sign because I love rain. Droplets of huge, fat raindrops from the sky above showering the land on earth, nurturing all its inhabitants; just like God's abundant blessings pouring down from the heaven above.

Droplets of rain on the leaves of a potted plant
Jan 1: Backyard

Free!!

I'm free at last!

A huge burden is lifted off my shoulders the moment the last page of my research proposal was printed. I have no idea if the proposal will be understood by my lecturer but it's done and was handed in today at 10 a.m.

I still can't believe that I've officially completed the first semester of my study. How quickly time passes by! I will be starting my second semester sometime in January next year.

It seemed just like yesterday when I first started my journey of going back to full time study again.

At this moment in time, I do not miss my working life at all. Nope, never missed it since the day I left though I miss my few kindred spirits there.

Even though there were times of confusion, inability to grasp the new concepts and theories that I'm learning, adjusting to being an independent learner and encountering some stressful situations academically, it is much better than working.

I'm savouring every moment right now. I want to enjoy what I have now to the fullest!

Thanks, DD. Only You know what I really need. I can't thank You enough!