Ma

You've flown to Jesus -
So suddenly and unexpectedly

Too suddenly
That I've yet to bid you my goodbye
Too quietly
That I didn't have a chance at closure 

But there was no way of knowing
That it was the last morning to make the juice for you
It was the last morning to see you sitting at your favourite spot
The last morning to see the back of you 

But I didn't look at you properly
Had I looked perhaps I would have noticed
That you were unwell, very tired and different?
Because heaven was calling and the angels were sent

And could that have made all the difference?
That I could perhaps save you
That you would still be alive
And be with us today?

So that I wouldn't have to receive that call
That numbed my being as I drove home
So that I wouldn't have to stop by the roadside
To make the necessary arrangement

So that I wouldn't have to be stuck in the traffic
In my longest journey home 
So that I wouldn't have to be greeted by the funeral van
That had arrived before me

So that I wouldn't have to be the last of your children
To walk up the longest flight of stairs to you
So that I wouldn't have to see you lifeless
Surrounded by your family and siblings

So that I wouldn't have to see Aunt Donna
Holding your hand, calling you and crying by your side
So that I wouldn't have Aunt Laura walk towards me
To hug me to give me strength

So that I wouldn't have to sit down by your side
To caress your fragile body that has gone cold
So that I wouldn't have to caress again and again 
And thought your chest was still warm

So that I wouldn't have to sit there
And just stare at you without shedding a single tear
It wasn't because I didn't want to
It was just because I couldn't 

So that I wouldn't have to notice
The residue of your ointment on your nose
Which you must have used 
Because you must have felt terribly unwell 

So that I wouldn't have to wet your face towel
To wipe your face for the first and last time
So that I wouldn't have to tilt your head
To take off your tiny earings

So that I wouldn't have to bend down
And kiss your forehead for the last time
So that I wouldn't have to ask Aunt Laura to pray
Because I just didn't have the strength nor words to do so

I'm sure you are happy -
Cause Dad has been waiting for you
Yes, you two!
Live! and sing! and dance!


Captured thoughts on Aug 20, 2014