Walking Away?

Somehow reading this article comforted me and gave me so much insights into what I should do (if it ever comes to this) and how I should do it. But will seriously need to re-evaluate the whole situation because I really do not want to make rash decisions. 

I had been feeling so wretched all these while - feeling so guilty - doubting myself so much and feeling so hurt and drained to the point of sleepless nights and actually having headaches because the love and respect I have for this relationship is so much, just too much.

Had so many thoughts, analysis (and over-analysis) and contemplations over this relationship. Shed so much tears yet somehow knowing there may be no way of bringing up these issues because of the anticipated defensiveness. Encountered that a few times over the past two years and it had always made me feel so wretched, lost, confused, feeling as if I'm the wrong party and the matter(s) was never resolved.

But actually now I know that they have been merely swept under the carpet because I lack the courage to pursue... for fear of losing the relationship...

But is this not a one-sided relationship in the first place?

Oh God, please help me! Feeling so wretched and painful... because of the decision I'm about to make...

Fresh Flowers

I've always loved flowers - fresh flowers. Was grocery shopping on Monday when again I browsed through the fresh flowers section, admiring them as usual.

Somehow the flowers looked more beautiful and appealing than usual and I just decided to take two bouquets of carnations on the spot. Maybe it's because I've the empty vase in mind. It would be the perfect vase for long stem cuts.

I thought my maiden effort at this simple flower arrangement is quite successful. These beauties bring so much cheer to me. Just love that joyful feeling to come home and admire them everyday.

Fell madly falling in love with them.

Colourful lovelies

Aren't they gorgeous?

Also beautified the piano top with some water based plants and a bouquet of artificial flowers a few months ago.

So, the humble dining area is my favourite corner for now.

I hope the carnations will be able to last longer so that I can stretch my money's worth ;)

Am in the slow and long-drawn process of cleaning, rearranging and decorating the house. There are just so much to do and so much to store and also throw away. It's high time to start afresh!

If I could get the working area rearranged this weekend, that will be a feat! Hopefully I could get a matching double tablecloth and move the table down from the upper floor for this.

Can I?

"Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don't."

Appeared in Whatsapp and struck me.

How do I have compassion for the ones who don't treat me right. Quotable quotes are great at exactly that - quoting actions that take every fibre of the human strength to perform.

Once the rose-tinted lens is removed, either voluntarily or involuntarily, would I be still able to love the unlovable? When all these while, while I've had my doubts, reservations and questions, I've loved and supported as best as humanly possible. As a true and loyal friend, not perfect, but the best in all my imperfections.

But now that my eyes are opened, it is so hard to understand, to comprehend, to love, to cherish, to forgive.

It seems that I'm just another tool, an object, an option - dispensable. 

All I see are faults, mistakes, excuses, ugliness and selfishness. Can I still have compassion then? Can I?

At this moment, honestly, I just can't...

It's just too painful.

In the Shadow of the Cross

"Let all earthly crowns,
Fade in the shadow of the cross."

This song came to me again these past few days.
The struggle is getting increasingly hard to fight.
The battle of the mind, the spirit, the flesh and the heart is emptying me out.

There are just too many earthly crowns to lay down.
Too many to discard.
Too difficult and painful to let go.
But it's to be done.
But it's too hard!

It's time, it's time to move on.
It's time to be vulnerable again - vulnerable to Him.
To yield and to let go.
But the cocoon is safe, comfortable and warm.
Snugly warm, warmly snug.
Too enticing.

Abba Father! Please enable me for I am weak and fragile.
I fear that I would break into smithereens if I were to be wounded again.
It's just too hard to wear my heart on my sleeves again.
But how can I love without surrendering and giving my heart?
Dear God, dear God.


http://youtube.com/watch/?v=0b3SdiwBqCs 

Move on

It's time to move on
I know
But it's too hard
too empty
too lonely
too treacherous
too afraid

But I can't remain
where I am indefinitely
It's time, it's time
Look forward
Take a step
And walk forward
No turning back
No running back

But it's all right
I guess
Once in a while
To turn my head to see
How far I've left the past behind?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest,
Please hold me in Your able hands as I move on. I know I can only rely on You - only You alone.