Still Miss You

A friend, JL, wrote this poem:

Exactly a month ago today you were taken from us.
Dad, I still miss you.
As the days and weeks pass,
I still miss you.
As the pain of grief softens,
I still miss you.
As new memories are made,
I still miss you.
As I try to continue on life,
I still miss you.
Today and everyday,
I still miss you.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Such a beautiful poem for the departed.

Makes me think of Dad and Ma...

I still miss you.

The End

Twist and turn,
How quickly you responded
Amazed to see you in this light
Squirming like a worm
Cold, wet and slimy

Somehow I am amused
Somehow it is so good to analyse your defenses
Somehow it never fails to amaze me
How you got yourself trapped
But how fast you wriggle your way out!

I am amazed
Because such energy could have been put into better use
In order to be a more genuine person
With less excuses
And laying on the blames

You are a case study
In the human facade
Of twist and turns
Double-facedness
Insolence and pride

But I will never stoop to your level
And fight you at your game
For I shall definitely lose
In unfamiliar waters
Facing a veteran of excuses

Instead I will, if my will allows it
To use my power of analysis
Of spotting inconsistency
Using your own words
To pull you down just a peg or two

I am so sorry it has to be this way
Yet not sorry that it is this way
Because you have taken too much for granted
My genuine kindness and sincerity
Throwing it down the drain

It is not that you don't know
But I know that you know
If you were to choose between you and I
You would definitely have chosen me
Because I was never in your league

Choosing you would make you cry
Choosing you would make you lose
Choosing you would make you used
Choosing you would make you be abused
You would have beaten you in your own game

But as I refuse to subject to you again
But as I stopped listening to your vanity
But as I ceased lending you that support
I hope that you are aware
It was you who had chosen it this way

May you seek solace in your family
The ones whom you love the most
The ones whom you brag of the most
The ones whom you support the most


To the exclusion of everyone else

You will never be a good friend
Not even a friend
For there is never room
Anywhere in your life
To include anyone not family

Just because you are somewhere in life
Doesn't mean you have achieved it on your own
Because in your journey of many miles
There were friends who had genuinely conceded
But just that you were too blind to see

But how can the blind see?
How can the arrogant know?
How can the proud admit?
How can the cunning concur?
The kindness of a genuine friend?

You are you
I am I
The line is clearly drawn
Two separate entities
That may never cross ever again.

The end.

Ugliness

As I discard the filters from my eyes, I'm beginning to see the ugliness -

the ugliness of passing the buck,

the ugliness of finger-pointing,

the ugliness of not taking up the responsibilities while expecting others to do so,

the ugliness of withholding information,

the ugliness of pride, 

the ugliness of arrogance,

the ugliness of "I don't knows",

the ugliness of "others can't do it, but it's okay with me".

I find it hard to comprehend, to digest, to swallow.

Has it been this ugly all this while?

Why couldn't I see it? Why didn't I realize it?

Am I being unfair? Am I finding fault?

Alas, no.

I've accepted too much, allowed too much, tolerated too much, given too much benefits of doubt.

I was too naive and impressed to see a different perspective so different from mine that it dazzles.

But, my admiration and respect are shattered.

Not that it is perfection. For no one is perfect. 

But never did I expect such double-mindedness, such unkindness, such selfishness, such maneuvering.

Someone who doesn't practice what one preaches! And such an amazing preacher that is!!!

So what if God is claimed as the God in life?

It is nothing!

Nothing but false claims! Nothing but a lip service! Nothing but a dead faith!

Where am I in this equation?

No where. No where.

For I have wised up. For I shall need to protect my heart. For I shall not be made used of ever again.

It is never too late to learn although it is 10 years too late. At least, I won't be fooled for even another day.

Such a sad realization - but such is life in this fallen world.

Reconnection

Recent events have led to many small gatherings of friends from teenage years. These are friends who had laughed, cried, argued, shared, loved, had crushes on / with, served, worked together.

Each had been busy with his / her life - career, marriage, raising young children, taking care of aged parents.

For a span of a few years, the friendship and connection seemed to have cooled down and became customary.

But since June, somehow we managed to gather together and caught up with each others' life. Every one seems to be at a stage in life where we come to realize the comfort and joy of reconnecting and supporting each other.

I have been greatly encouraged by the turn of event. Our teenage friendship, though interspersed with the busyness of life and age, seems to serve as a strong foundation until today.

It is easier to reconnect and be transparent once again. The facade of success tears away as some of us shared our deepest thoughts with each other. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence.

On recollection, I am grateful that despite the challenges that I faced these past 20 years, I still seem to be holding on quite well. For that, I'm thankful for my heavenly Father who has guided me in my seasons of sorrow and joy.

Thankful that these friends remain the most sincere relationships that I've ever forged and delighted that we are starting to make it a point to gather together for meals and have a good laugh together.

~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest, thank You so much for Your kind providence. When I am at the brink of losing faith in genuine and sincere friendship, You have brought back my most treasured friends. It has greatly encouraged me and lifted my wavering spirit. I can't thank You enough!

Bursts of Chrysanthemums

Went to my fav grocer and spotted more fresh flowers.

Couldn't resist these lovely pink chrysanthemums! So refreshing!

Returned the next day and saw the green bulbous variety. Succumbed to temptation and bought two bouquets!

Arranged them with the pinks and voila!

Aren't they gorgeous together? Pink and green match beautifully!

And on a closer look at these lovelies!

Sigh... heart melts... ^^

Just too gorgeous for words!

My crazy crush at the moment.

Chrysanthemum Cheers

Never in my life did I think I would be gardening. But here I am, since the beginning of this year, receiving from friends, buying, planting, potting and re-potting my plants.

Watering my plants daily after work is so therapeutic and cathartic! The day's troubles and stress just melt away as I tend to my lovelies.

Seeing them grow and bloom bring so much delight to my heart!

And my mini garden is coming to fruition!

One of the plants that I look forward to seeing blossoming the most is the mini chrysanthemum shrub. Bought a pot during the CNY for home deco.They were of course booster-laden for the season and I just couldn't resist their beauty. After about a month in which they gradually wither away, I trimmed them and left about two inches of stalks in the pot.

It was daily watering and once a month of fertilizing. The shrub grew big and there were countless buds forming withing two months. However, they never bloom!

It was quite frustrating! Thought of discarding the whole pot but I just didn't have the heart.

And when I least expect it, two buds bloomed last week and two more are blossoming now!

Such beauties! They smell wonderful too!

Can't wait for all the buds to blossom and brighten up the whole pot!

Interview

Hope I can nail my dream this round. Not sure if I did well but I've tried. If I don't get it, then I know for sure that I'll have to stay on to learn and to give more. I'll be patiently waiting for the right time. Trusting that this is the right place for me to be at, right now, in spite of the challenges. Will yield and submit and do my best.

The notice outside the interview room

Mid-Autumn

Thought of you today as it was your lunar birthday. It's the second without you. Remembered how you would always insist on going out for dinner despite the crowd.

Thought of you this morning but I was right in town and not passing by your resting place.

Will visit you Wednesday.

Happy Mid-Autumn, Ma, and happy birthday!