The Last Day

This is the last piece of daily calendar that Ma tore. She passed on the next day on the 16th. Ma would tear a piece everyday and put it in her drawer. I found this shortly after Ma passed on. It was heartbreaking seeing it then for it indicates her last moments alive, moving about, breathing.

For the longest time I couldn't find myself to clear her things in her room. But now that the upper floor renovation is going on, I had to go through her things again and start throwing.

They say time heals and indeed it does. Seeing this piece in her drawer brought back distant memories. Melancholic. Thought of her... a tinge of sadness. But no more tears. No more pain.

As I dispose off this reminder, so I choose not to linger and look back at the pain. I choose to move on, to live and to keep good memories of Ma.

Be With You

Verse 1:

Savior of my soul
I confide in You
Through all my darkest moments
In You I find my peace
My comfort when I'm weak
I trust in You, through storm and raging sea

Verse 2:

Faithful, You're my God
You're the glory and the lifter of my head
Your light it fills my days
It leads me in Your ways
Forever I surrender all to You

Chorus:

And I live to worship You
My Jesus You're the only one for me
Nothing will ever take Your place
My previous savior
Who can stand between my Lord and me

Lord I live to honor You
And I long to bring my life an offering
Take me higher
Draw me deeper
I give all to be with You

(Credit to: http://lyriklagurohani.blogspot.com) 


Selalu MenyembahMu - Sendy Stepvina

Kaulah Allahku

Penolong dalam kesesakan jiwaku

Kau b'rikanku damai dan sejahtera

Yang kurindukan di dalam dunia

Kau Allah yang setia

Menjaga jiwa yang ada senantiasa

Penuntun hidupku

Pelita jalanku

Kini kuhidup bagiMu

Chorus:

Selalu menyembahMu
Jadikan diriMu tempat pertamaku
Biar pun gelombang datang dalam hidupku
Ku tahu Engkau s'lalu besertaku

Sampai s'lama-lamanya
MenyenangkanMu, itulah rinduku

Jadikanku penyembahMu

Yang taat kepadaMu

Dawn of a New Year

The New Year
~ Martha Snell Nicholson 

Dear Lord, as this new year is born
I give it to Thy hand,
Content to walk by faith what paths
I cannot understand.

Whatever coming days may bring
Of bitter loss, or gain,
Or every crown of happiness;
Should sorrow come, or pain,

Or, Lord, if all unknown to me
Thine angel hovers near
To bear me to that farther shore
Before another year,

It matters not—my hand in Thine,
Thy light upon my face,
Thy boundless strength when I am weak,
Thy love and saving grace!

I only ask, loose not my hand,
Grip fast my soul, and be
My guiding light upon the path
Till, blind no more, I see!

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DD dearest,

May this coming new year be like flowers,
Bursts of colours bringing cheers to my heart,
Gentle velvety softening of my heart,
Fragrant in smell drawing hearts,
Little surprises bringing pleasure to my heart.

May my soul, my thoughts, my speech, my actions be captured in You, my dearest first Love!
For it's only in You that my eternal live lies.
May my priorities be right -
Heart abounding in love, life abounding in joy, heart abounding in happiness, soul abounding in peace.
Find rest, oh my soul, in the arms of my Protector, my Love.

A Prayer in Spring
~ Robert Frost

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil

Batik Painting

I bought three batik painting kits for kids some time ago after chancing upon them in a kids' arts class nearby my favourite coffee house.

They are meant for me - something safe and simple to recapture my amateurish hobby.

Sea world themed

I chose to do the simplest - 'Nemo'

Each kit comes with a brush and six colours.

Some instructions and samples at the back of the kit.

They are meant for kids, 3+ and above.

The batik canvas is stapled to a cardboard frame which is meant to serve as a picture frame for the finished product. I tore out the centre so that the colour will not wet the cardboard and mess up the canvas.

The edges of the cardboard could be tucked together to form a raised surface for painting.

This is how it looks like raised.

Ready for the paint.

Voila! The completed kids' art. It took me about 30 minutes. However, I'm not that pleased with this piece. Something is missing and seems like I've lost my sense of colour.

This piece of 'Nemo' was done last year and was gathering dust on my work table. I've bought some magnets and hung it on the fridge last week. It's my temporary display before framing all four to be hung on my wall.

Voila! Side by side for now.

Recycling

I had been collecting recyclables for my uncle who used to collect them for recycling centres in exchange for some cash. He would come around in his old faithful van and collects them.

Unfortunately, the last batch was never collected as my uncle fell ill and was in and out of the hospital for quite some time before he breathed his last.

Looking at the pile at home reminded me of him and I knew aunt would be too heart-broken to even want to collect them.

However, she changed her mind and came down town for a short weekend stay with Aunt W. And we went for Sunday breakfast and had a good time.

I know it is a tough time for her now as the pain of losing uncle is just too raw. She seems to have lost her will to live right - falling sick and complaining of pain here and there and not eating right.

After brekky, she thought of all the recyclables at my house and wanted to collect them. So, I made a detour back home to collect them before sending aunt home. There was so much trash that some had to be put at the back seats.

A trunk full of recyclable trash.

New Beginnings

Still love these beautiful carnations. So cheerful and hearty! Couldn't resist them!

 

On a side note, this bouquet signifies new beginnings!

Cleansed, refreshed, declared, proclaimed, claimed, demanded, released, overcame!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DD dearest,

May my life be victorious in You. May I dwell in the house of the Lord forever. May my humble lil abode be a place of joy and peace and rest! Amen!

 

Sophie

Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Counter Clearance

The kitchen was solely Ma's territory. No one disturbs or messes up with her haven. Simple and functional, it was Ma's.

Even when she was taken ill, it was still her place - that is until she left us. The kitchen is no one's.

The kitchen is left as it is since the day Ma left. Often, I'd prepare my breakfast and lunch for work but it isn't mine. It never feels like mine.

Many a time, I had wanted to clear everything up but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Earlier this year just before the CNY, I tried. I started with the first top drawer. It was a mistake. I saw all Ma's medication and I just broke down and cried. I didn't expect the sadness that could overwhelm me. So, I left the kitchen as it is.

A section of the counter top was getting messier - new ones on top of the old.

A mess! The broken juicer which I used daily to process fresh juices for Ma.

Ma's health supplements

The new packet of Korean seaweed I bought for Ma just a few days before she left us.

I was / am still stuck with the past. Unwilling to let go of certain items. Hanging on - for comfort, perhaps?

In my mind, I would tell myself to clear up the kitchen but it was only in my mind.

Today, I just went ahead and cleared it. Threw away the expired, wiped down the dusty surface and arranged what's left.

What's left

 

The emptiness

 

For the rice cooker... and perhaps a new oven / pressure cooker?

I would like to feel like the kitchen's mine.

Slowly, but surely.

The Last Mother's Day Meal

Was clearing my phone data when I saw these forgotten pix. Had been wanting to archive these for a while.

May 13, 2012 - It was a busy night at our family's favourite seafood restaurant. Actually, it's my bro's fav. And I know Ma would only go to bro's fav diners so that he could eat his favs. I remember we had to wait for nearly 30 mins for a table.  It was a full house. But the service was fast. The meal was served within 5 mins of ordering. And it was wiped out in just 15 mins. And that ends the meal.

The atmosphere was unnerving. Too noisy and crowded. Patrons had to shout to get themselves heard. But Ma had always insisted on going out on the busiest days of the year. I never did understand that. 

I had to leave to pick up a friend from the airport so I left after the meal. It was the last Mother's Day meal.

Unmemorable yet memorable.

Loveliness

It's another bunch of loveliness - a burst of colours to my otherwise mundane dining area.