Dawn of a New Year

The New Year
~ Martha Snell Nicholson 

Dear Lord, as this new year is born
I give it to Thy hand,
Content to walk by faith what paths
I cannot understand.

Whatever coming days may bring
Of bitter loss, or gain,
Or every crown of happiness;
Should sorrow come, or pain,

Or, Lord, if all unknown to me
Thine angel hovers near
To bear me to that farther shore
Before another year,

It matters not—my hand in Thine,
Thy light upon my face,
Thy boundless strength when I am weak,
Thy love and saving grace!

I only ask, loose not my hand,
Grip fast my soul, and be
My guiding light upon the path
Till, blind no more, I see!

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DD dearest,

May this coming new year be like flowers,
Bursts of colours bringing cheers to my heart,
Gentle velvety softening of my heart,
Fragrant in smell drawing hearts,
Little surprises bringing pleasure to my heart.

May my soul, my thoughts, my speech, my actions be captured in You, my dearest first Love!
For it's only in You that my eternal live lies.
May my priorities be right -
Heart abounding in love, life abounding in joy, heart abounding in happiness, soul abounding in peace.
Find rest, oh my soul, in the arms of my Protector, my Love.

A Prayer in Spring
~ Robert Frost

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil

Batik Painting

I bought three batik painting kits for kids some time ago after chancing upon them in a kids' arts class nearby my favourite coffee house.

They are meant for me - something safe and simple to recapture my amateurish hobby.

Sea world themed

I chose to do the simplest - 'Nemo'

Each kit comes with a brush and six colours.

Some instructions and samples at the back of the kit.

They are meant for kids, 3+ and above.

The batik canvas is stapled to a cardboard frame which is meant to serve as a picture frame for the finished product. I tore out the centre so that the colour will not wet the cardboard and mess up the canvas.

The edges of the cardboard could be tucked together to form a raised surface for painting.

This is how it looks like raised.

Ready for the paint.

Voila! The completed kids' art. It took me about 30 minutes. However, I'm not that pleased with this piece. Something is missing and seems like I've lost my sense of colour.

This piece of 'Nemo' was done last year and was gathering dust on my work table. I've bought some magnets and hung it on the fridge last week. It's my temporary display before framing all four to be hung on my wall.

Voila! Side by side for now.

Recycling

I had been collecting recyclables for my uncle who used to collect them for recycling centres in exchange for some cash. He would come around in his old faithful van and collects them.

Unfortunately, the last batch was never collected as my uncle fell ill and was in and out of the hospital for quite some time before he breathed his last.

Looking at the pile at home reminded me of him and I knew aunt would be too heart-broken to even want to collect them.

However, she changed her mind and came down town for a short weekend stay with Aunt W. And we went for Sunday breakfast and had a good time.

I know it is a tough time for her now as the pain of losing uncle is just too raw. She seems to have lost her will to live right - falling sick and complaining of pain here and there and not eating right.

After brekky, she thought of all the recyclables at my house and wanted to collect them. So, I made a detour back home to collect them before sending aunt home. There was so much trash that some had to be put at the back seats.

A trunk full of recyclable trash.

New Beginnings

Still love these beautiful carnations. So cheerful and hearty! Couldn't resist them!

 

On a side note, this bouquet signifies new beginnings!

Cleansed, refreshed, declared, proclaimed, claimed, demanded, released, overcame!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DD dearest,

May my life be victorious in You. May I dwell in the house of the Lord forever. May my humble lil abode be a place of joy and peace and rest! Amen!

 

Sophie

Years of Tears

2007 saw me cry over errant students - my heart and soul. It was my first betrayal by those whom I taught with love - my whole being. The pill was too bitter to swallow. It saw me being assaulted by students, and their parents, one case by another case. It left me an empty shell - hollow and battered. That year end saw the frailty of Dad as he was stricken with stroke. Naked and childlike, he returned home with us on boxing day. It was so painful.

2008 saw the tears of fear, desperation, anguish, and uncertainty. The roller coaster ride as Dad's health plummeted and then stabilized sent me reeling with despair. The constant arguments with Ma broke my heart. The sense of abandonment was too great as I clung on to every shred of hope that Dad might be healed - but it was never to be. The constant in and out of the hospital drained every ounce of energy from my being. It left me broken in spirit - eager to leave the living.

2009 was the year of anguish and deliverance work wise. Anguish because I saw the despicable and ugly maneuvering and lack of integrity on the part of the admin - treating diligent staff unfairly. There was a reason why so many colleagues left and yet the boss refused to see the downward spiral that she was sending the whole team to. I guess I didn't leave soon enough but I stayed on long enough to see situations that I would never tolerate anymore ever again in my life - as long as I have the life and breath and the fighting spirit in me. Deliverance because the most miraculous and splendid 'holiday' landed right on my lap. I left for a 2-year fully paid study leave. It was my saviour!

2010 was filled with good memories. I studied at a very relaxing pace, traveled, meditated, rested and rested and rested. There were ups and downs at home but I could handle it better as there were no distractions from work. I could devote all my energy and mind to deal with the difficult moments. And I had good memories with Dad, and of Dad. His weekly indulgence of his favourite fruit, banana, and soft bread on Sundays are my loving memory of him. If there were tears, they were tears of joy and happiness.

2011 started with a good and routine beginning. Yet there was the gnawing sense of uncertainty as my study leave was coming to an end. The year opened my eyes to the frailty of friendship. It was mind-boggling but it was a good realization. Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a certain season. The painful lessons continued with the ugly truth of professionals who worked with no integrity. I had the misfortune (or fortune?) of meeting one. Truly, I learned that there was no way of knowing a person until we meet them in a professional setting. Sheep in wolf's clothing. And as much as I had wanted to go to a new workplace, I was assigned back to my old place. It was half-a-year of easy money that did nothing to challenge my brain cells because the admin was just too lazy and non-committal to assign me to tasks more challenging to my capabilities. The year ended with grief. Dad left us. It was a painful five days of caring for him at the hospital, knowing that he was leaving. Yet begging with God to spare his life. Seeing him with his laboured breathing and frail body broke my heart. Just too painful and heart-wrenching. If only I could be in his place... The year ended with much tears - of grief, of missing, of absence, of loss, of heartbreak, of trying to move on...

Counter Clearance

The kitchen was solely Ma's territory. No one disturbs or messes up with her haven. Simple and functional, it was Ma's.

Even when she was taken ill, it was still her place - that is until she left us. The kitchen is no one's.

The kitchen is left as it is since the day Ma left. Often, I'd prepare my breakfast and lunch for work but it isn't mine. It never feels like mine.

Many a time, I had wanted to clear everything up but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Earlier this year just before the CNY, I tried. I started with the first top drawer. It was a mistake. I saw all Ma's medication and I just broke down and cried. I didn't expect the sadness that could overwhelm me. So, I left the kitchen as it is.

A section of the counter top was getting messier - new ones on top of the old.

A mess! The broken juicer which I used daily to process fresh juices for Ma.

Ma's health supplements

The new packet of Korean seaweed I bought for Ma just a few days before she left us.

I was / am still stuck with the past. Unwilling to let go of certain items. Hanging on - for comfort, perhaps?

In my mind, I would tell myself to clear up the kitchen but it was only in my mind.

Today, I just went ahead and cleared it. Threw away the expired, wiped down the dusty surface and arranged what's left.

What's left

 

The emptiness

 

For the rice cooker... and perhaps a new oven / pressure cooker?

I would like to feel like the kitchen's mine.

Slowly, but surely.

The Last Mother's Day Meal

Was clearing my phone data when I saw these forgotten pix. Had been wanting to archive these for a while.

May 13, 2012 - It was a busy night at our family's favourite seafood restaurant. Actually, it's my bro's fav. And I know Ma would only go to bro's fav diners so that he could eat his favs. I remember we had to wait for nearly 30 mins for a table.  It was a full house. But the service was fast. The meal was served within 5 mins of ordering. And it was wiped out in just 15 mins. And that ends the meal.

The atmosphere was unnerving. Too noisy and crowded. Patrons had to shout to get themselves heard. But Ma had always insisted on going out on the busiest days of the year. I never did understand that. 

I had to leave to pick up a friend from the airport so I left after the meal. It was the last Mother's Day meal.

Unmemorable yet memorable.

Loveliness

It's another bunch of loveliness - a burst of colours to my otherwise mundane dining area.

 

Still Miss You

A friend, JL, wrote this poem:

Exactly a month ago today you were taken from us.
Dad, I still miss you.
As the days and weeks pass,
I still miss you.
As the pain of grief softens,
I still miss you.
As new memories are made,
I still miss you.
As I try to continue on life,
I still miss you.
Today and everyday,
I still miss you.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Such a beautiful poem for the departed.

Makes me think of Dad and Ma...

I still miss you.

The End

Twist and turn,
How quickly you responded
Amazed to see you in this light
Squirming like a worm
Cold, wet and slimy

Somehow I am amused
Somehow it is so good to analyse your defenses
Somehow it never fails to amaze me
How you got yourself trapped
But how fast you wriggle your way out!

I am amazed
Because such energy could have been put into better use
In order to be a more genuine person
With less excuses
And laying on the blames

You are a case study
In the human facade
Of twist and turns
Double-facedness
Insolence and pride

But I will never stoop to your level
And fight you at your game
For I shall definitely lose
In unfamiliar waters
Facing a veteran of excuses

Instead I will, if my will allows it
To use my power of analysis
Of spotting inconsistency
Using your own words
To pull you down just a peg or two

I am so sorry it has to be this way
Yet not sorry that it is this way
Because you have taken too much for granted
My genuine kindness and sincerity
Throwing it down the drain

It is not that you don't know
But I know that you know
If you were to choose between you and I
You would definitely have chosen me
Because I was never in your league

Choosing you would make you cry
Choosing you would make you lose
Choosing you would make you used
Choosing you would make you be abused
You would have beaten you in your own game

But as I refuse to subject to you again
But as I stopped listening to your vanity
But as I ceased lending you that support
I hope that you are aware
It was you who had chosen it this way

May you seek solace in your family
The ones whom you love the most
The ones whom you brag of the most
The ones whom you support the most


To the exclusion of everyone else

You will never be a good friend
Not even a friend
For there is never room
Anywhere in your life
To include anyone not family

Just because you are somewhere in life
Doesn't mean you have achieved it on your own
Because in your journey of many miles
There were friends who had genuinely conceded
But just that you were too blind to see

But how can the blind see?
How can the arrogant know?
How can the proud admit?
How can the cunning concur?
The kindness of a genuine friend?

You are you
I am I
The line is clearly drawn
Two separate entities
That may never cross ever again.

The end.

Ugliness

As I discard the filters from my eyes, I'm beginning to see the ugliness -

the ugliness of passing the buck,

the ugliness of finger-pointing,

the ugliness of not taking up the responsibilities while expecting others to do so,

the ugliness of withholding information,

the ugliness of pride, 

the ugliness of arrogance,

the ugliness of "I don't knows",

the ugliness of "others can't do it, but it's okay with me".

I find it hard to comprehend, to digest, to swallow.

Has it been this ugly all this while?

Why couldn't I see it? Why didn't I realize it?

Am I being unfair? Am I finding fault?

Alas, no.

I've accepted too much, allowed too much, tolerated too much, given too much benefits of doubt.

I was too naive and impressed to see a different perspective so different from mine that it dazzles.

But, my admiration and respect are shattered.

Not that it is perfection. For no one is perfect. 

But never did I expect such double-mindedness, such unkindness, such selfishness, such maneuvering.

Someone who doesn't practice what one preaches! And such an amazing preacher that is!!!

So what if God is claimed as the God in life?

It is nothing!

Nothing but false claims! Nothing but a lip service! Nothing but a dead faith!

Where am I in this equation?

No where. No where.

For I have wised up. For I shall need to protect my heart. For I shall not be made used of ever again.

It is never too late to learn although it is 10 years too late. At least, I won't be fooled for even another day.

Such a sad realization - but such is life in this fallen world.

Reconnection

Recent events have led to many small gatherings of friends from teenage years. These are friends who had laughed, cried, argued, shared, loved, had crushes on / with, served, worked together.

Each had been busy with his / her life - career, marriage, raising young children, taking care of aged parents.

For a span of a few years, the friendship and connection seemed to have cooled down and became customary.

But since June, somehow we managed to gather together and caught up with each others' life. Every one seems to be at a stage in life where we come to realize the comfort and joy of reconnecting and supporting each other.

I have been greatly encouraged by the turn of event. Our teenage friendship, though interspersed with the busyness of life and age, seems to serve as a strong foundation until today.

It is easier to reconnect and be transparent once again. The facade of success tears away as some of us shared our deepest thoughts with each other. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence.

On recollection, I am grateful that despite the challenges that I faced these past 20 years, I still seem to be holding on quite well. For that, I'm thankful for my heavenly Father who has guided me in my seasons of sorrow and joy.

Thankful that these friends remain the most sincere relationships that I've ever forged and delighted that we are starting to make it a point to gather together for meals and have a good laugh together.

~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest, thank You so much for Your kind providence. When I am at the brink of losing faith in genuine and sincere friendship, You have brought back my most treasured friends. It has greatly encouraged me and lifted my wavering spirit. I can't thank You enough!

Bursts of Chrysanthemums

Went to my fav grocer and spotted more fresh flowers.

Couldn't resist these lovely pink chrysanthemums! So refreshing!

Returned the next day and saw the green bulbous variety. Succumbed to temptation and bought two bouquets!

Arranged them with the pinks and voila!

Aren't they gorgeous together? Pink and green match beautifully!

And on a closer look at these lovelies!

Sigh... heart melts... ^^

Just too gorgeous for words!

My crazy crush at the moment.

Chrysanthemum Cheers

Never in my life did I think I would be gardening. But here I am, since the beginning of this year, receiving from friends, buying, planting, potting and re-potting my plants.

Watering my plants daily after work is so therapeutic and cathartic! The day's troubles and stress just melt away as I tend to my lovelies.

Seeing them grow and bloom bring so much delight to my heart!

And my mini garden is coming to fruition!

One of the plants that I look forward to seeing blossoming the most is the mini chrysanthemum shrub. Bought a pot during the CNY for home deco.They were of course booster-laden for the season and I just couldn't resist their beauty. After about a month in which they gradually wither away, I trimmed them and left about two inches of stalks in the pot.

It was daily watering and once a month of fertilizing. The shrub grew big and there were countless buds forming withing two months. However, they never bloom!

It was quite frustrating! Thought of discarding the whole pot but I just didn't have the heart.

And when I least expect it, two buds bloomed last week and two more are blossoming now!

Such beauties! They smell wonderful too!

Can't wait for all the buds to blossom and brighten up the whole pot!

Interview

Hope I can nail my dream this round. Not sure if I did well but I've tried. If I don't get it, then I know for sure that I'll have to stay on to learn and to give more. I'll be patiently waiting for the right time. Trusting that this is the right place for me to be at, right now, in spite of the challenges. Will yield and submit and do my best.

The notice outside the interview room