Mid-Autumn

Thought of you today as it was your lunar birthday. It's the second without you. Remembered how you would always insist on going out for dinner despite the crowd.

Thought of you this morning but I was right in town and not passing by your resting place.

Will visit you Wednesday.

Happy Mid-Autumn, Ma, and happy birthday!

Walking Away?

Somehow reading this article comforted me and gave me so much insights into what I should do (if it ever comes to this) and how I should do it. But will seriously need to re-evaluate the whole situation because I really do not want to make rash decisions. 

I had been feeling so wretched all these while - feeling so guilty - doubting myself so much and feeling so hurt and drained to the point of sleepless nights and actually having headaches because the love and respect I have for this relationship is so much, just too much.

Had so many thoughts, analysis (and over-analysis) and contemplations over this relationship. Shed so much tears yet somehow knowing there may be no way of bringing up these issues because of the anticipated defensiveness. Encountered that a few times over the past two years and it had always made me feel so wretched, lost, confused, feeling as if I'm the wrong party and the matter(s) was never resolved.

But actually now I know that they have been merely swept under the carpet because I lack the courage to pursue... for fear of losing the relationship...

But is this not a one-sided relationship in the first place?

Oh God, please help me! Feeling so wretched and painful... because of the decision I'm about to make...

Fresh Flowers

I've always loved flowers - fresh flowers. Was grocery shopping on Monday when again I browsed through the fresh flowers section, admiring them as usual.

Somehow the flowers looked more beautiful and appealing than usual and I just decided to take two bouquets of carnations on the spot. Maybe it's because I've the empty vase in mind. It would be the perfect vase for long stem cuts.

I thought my maiden effort at this simple flower arrangement is quite successful. These beauties bring so much cheer to me. Just love that joyful feeling to come home and admire them everyday.

Fell madly falling in love with them.

Colourful lovelies

Aren't they gorgeous?

Also beautified the piano top with some water based plants and a bouquet of artificial flowers a few months ago.

So, the humble dining area is my favourite corner for now.

I hope the carnations will be able to last longer so that I can stretch my money's worth ;)

Am in the slow and long-drawn process of cleaning, rearranging and decorating the house. There are just so much to do and so much to store and also throw away. It's high time to start afresh!

If I could get the working area rearranged this weekend, that will be a feat! Hopefully I could get a matching double tablecloth and move the table down from the upper floor for this.

Can I?

"Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don't."

Appeared in Whatsapp and struck me.

How do I have compassion for the ones who don't treat me right. Quotable quotes are great at exactly that - quoting actions that take every fibre of the human strength to perform.

Once the rose-tinted lens is removed, either voluntarily or involuntarily, would I be still able to love the unlovable? When all these while, while I've had my doubts, reservations and questions, I've loved and supported as best as humanly possible. As a true and loyal friend, not perfect, but the best in all my imperfections.

But now that my eyes are opened, it is so hard to understand, to comprehend, to love, to cherish, to forgive.

It seems that I'm just another tool, an object, an option - dispensable. 

All I see are faults, mistakes, excuses, ugliness and selfishness. Can I still have compassion then? Can I?

At this moment, honestly, I just can't...

It's just too painful.

In the Shadow of the Cross

"Let all earthly crowns,
Fade in the shadow of the cross."

This song came to me again these past few days.
The struggle is getting increasingly hard to fight.
The battle of the mind, the spirit, the flesh and the heart is emptying me out.

There are just too many earthly crowns to lay down.
Too many to discard.
Too difficult and painful to let go.
But it's to be done.
But it's too hard!

It's time, it's time to move on.
It's time to be vulnerable again - vulnerable to Him.
To yield and to let go.
But the cocoon is safe, comfortable and warm.
Snugly warm, warmly snug.
Too enticing.

Abba Father! Please enable me for I am weak and fragile.
I fear that I would break into smithereens if I were to be wounded again.
It's just too hard to wear my heart on my sleeves again.
But how can I love without surrendering and giving my heart?
Dear God, dear God.


http://youtube.com/watch/?v=0b3SdiwBqCs 

Move on

It's time to move on
I know
But it's too hard
too empty
too lonely
too treacherous
too afraid

But I can't remain
where I am indefinitely
It's time, it's time
Look forward
Take a step
And walk forward
No turning back
No running back

But it's all right
I guess
Once in a while
To turn my head to see
How far I've left the past behind?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DD dearest,
Please hold me in Your able hands as I move on. I know I can only rely on You - only You alone.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Am wondering how you are.

It's Father's Day today. It's the third Father's Day without you.

As I'm writing this, I'm missing you again - painful and sad.

I still have images of you - you eating your favourite bread, you drinking your milk, me kissing your forehead, me holding your hands, you in the hospital, you being so helpless, you leaving us, you being assaulted by very high fever, you lying there broken - leaving us, you being lifeless, me holding your lifeless hands, me bidding you my final goodbyes... but have I really said my goodbyes?

These images have yet to leave my mind's eyes. Glimpses of them bring tears to my eyes, pain to my heart, sadness to my soul. Why am I hanging on to these?

When will these shadows of you leave my mind? When will these shadows cease to bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart? When will they cease to overcome me with sadness?

Am thinking more of you and Ma these days. Don't know why.

Missing you, missing you, missing you.

But I'm glad to be missing you. Because I love you.

Til we meet again one day, I will live well my life on earth.

Sophie

Captured Dream

Somehow I knew,
You were leaving,
And my heart was breaking.
"Say your goodbye,
Before it's too late,"
The lil voice said.
Dashing into your room,
I hugged you and wept.
You, too, cried.

And I woke up,
Only to realize,
It was all a dream.
My heart broke,
And I wept again.
It was vivid,
Real and sad.
As if I had hugged you,
Wept, and heard you cry.

But the dream -
Was strangely comforting;
Comfortingly strange.

It's Tuesday,
Not any other Tuesday,
One year later,
The emptiness is ebbing,
Slowly, but surely.

Trust that you both -
Happy and alive!
Missing you dearly...
Til we meet again,
At the other side of heaven.

Untitled Hymn

Dedicated to Ma:

 Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) ~ by Chris Rice

Youtube source unknown

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall, so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!



Ma,

You've flown to Jesus -
So sudden and unexpected
I'm sure you are happy -
Cause Dad has been waiting for you
Yes, you two!
Live! and sing! and dance!

Ma

You've flown to Jesus -
So suddenly and unexpectedly

Too suddenly
That I've yet to bid you my goodbye
Too quietly
That I didn't have a chance at closure 

But there was no way of knowing
That it was the last morning to make the juice for you
It was the last morning to see you sitting at your favourite spot
The last morning to see the back of you 

But I didn't look at you properly
Had I looked perhaps I would have noticed
That you were unwell, very tired and different?
Because heaven was calling and the angels were sent

And could that have made all the difference?
That I could perhaps save you
That you would still be alive
And be with us today?

So that I wouldn't have to receive that call
That numbed my being as I drove home
So that I wouldn't have to stop by the roadside
To make the necessary arrangement

So that I wouldn't have to be stuck in the traffic
In my longest journey home 
So that I wouldn't have to be greeted by the funeral van
That had arrived before me

So that I wouldn't have to be the last of your children
To walk up the longest flight of stairs to you
So that I wouldn't have to see you lifeless
Surrounded by your family and siblings

So that I wouldn't have to see Aunt Donna
Holding your hand, calling you and crying by your side
So that I wouldn't have Aunt Laura walk towards me
To hug me to give me strength

So that I wouldn't have to sit down by your side
To caress your fragile body that has gone cold
So that I wouldn't have to caress again and again 
And thought your chest was still warm

So that I wouldn't have to sit there
And just stare at you without shedding a single tear
It wasn't because I didn't want to
It was just because I couldn't 

So that I wouldn't have to notice
The residue of your ointment on your nose
Which you must have used 
Because you must have felt terribly unwell 

So that I wouldn't have to wet your face towel
To wipe your face for the first and last time
So that I wouldn't have to tilt your head
To take off your tiny earings

So that I wouldn't have to bend down
And kiss your forehead for the last time
So that I wouldn't have to ask Aunt Laura to pray
Because I just didn't have the strength nor words to do so

I'm sure you are happy -
Cause Dad has been waiting for you
Yes, you two!
Live! and sing! and dance!


Captured thoughts on Aug 20, 2014